Tuesday, March 26, 2013

When Life Gives You Lemons

I thought I could get back into the kitchen and start baking again.   I was wrong.  What once was so familiar and natural for me seemed foriegn and frightening.   Just going through my cupboard to assess what I had in stock was overwhelming.   I've attempted to bake a few times over these last few weeks and have not even made it as far as getting ingredients onto the counter.  It's frustrating to me because it was something I really enjoyed.  I loved to create something delicious and share it with friends and family.   I loved to tweak my recipes and play with new tastes.   I was by no means a professional baker, but it was something I liked to do.   Now I want to, but I can't.  
The last few weeks of my pregnancy, we bought some lemons with the intention I would make lemon bars.  Then, I began having blood pressure issues and I had to lay with my feet up when I got home from work every day.   I wasn't able to get into the kitchen.   I told myself I'd bake as soon as I could get the swelling in my ankles to go down and my blood pressure was under control.   It had been steadily declining due to my diligent efforts to drink lots of water and stay off my feet as much as possible -not an easy task when you are in charge of the daily education of 22 ten year olds.  That dreaded Monday, I had gotten to the point where my blood pressure was lower than it had been in weeks.  Plus, I was feeling less tired.   I had already decided that once we got back from my doctor's appointment, I'd finally make those lemon bars.  Good thing, because the lemons really needed to be used.
We all know I didn't make those lemon bars.  We all know I didn't come home from my doctor's appointment that afternoon, and that my baby was already gone.  We finally threw those lemons away the other day.   

There are a great deal of memories in my kitchen.   Obviously not just memories of being pregnant.   After all, I've lived in my house for almost 4 years.  I was only pregnant for 8 months.  But pregnancy memories take up the most space in my mind.   And I can't pull out the butter from the refrigerator or the flour from the pantry without thinking of her.  I am overwhelmed with something that used to be second nature to me.   I am lost where I should be at home.   It is confusing and frustrating.   

A few months ago, I pinned this picture from Pinterest.   I had plans to take a similar picture with Kenley once she was born.   I am reminded of this every time I try to pull out my mixer.  

I hate that this has happened.   I hate that it has spun me so out of control.   I hate feeling so out of sorts.   I just want everything to be normal again.  I'm sick and tired of hearing (and knowing) that it will take time.  I need normalcy now.  Yesterday, even.   The fact that I won't get that for a while -despite all the hard work I am putting into healing - is absolutely maddening!   I just want to bake some stupid lemon bars and give my baby a kiss.   Why is that too much to ask?  

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