Saturday, March 23, 2013

Only In My Dreams

I used to dream about her all the time.  Before she began to stir inside me, I dreamed I could feel her move.   I dreamed I could put my hand against my stomach and she could clutch my finger through my skin.  I dreamed we were strolling in the park and I looked down at her in her carriage and she had my eyes.   In every dream, she always had my eyes.  And she always had my heart.  Her presence peppered my dreams every week.  Dreams of my baby, our future, our lives.   I would wake from them smiling, excited to be connected to her even while asleep.

But, since she's left this earth, she's also left my dreams.  Kicking me while I'm down.   One more way I no longer have her.   One more way to feel empty.  I don't know why I haven't dreamt of her.  Perhaps its my subconscious trying to protect me from more pain.  After all, how would I feel to dream of her and feel her a part of me again, only to have that snatched away by the cruel hand of morning?  I admit, it would devastate me.   But, I am already devastated.  Why can't I have just a few moments of fantasy?   Just a few more minutes with her - even if it's not real, even if it's just a dream?   I miss her.  If I can't hold her in real life, why can't I hold her in my dreams?  Why is she gone?  I feel betrayed by my own brain.

Maybe tonight, I'll go to sleep and she'll be there.   Maybe tonight, I'll hold her again.  I'll feel her weight in my arms.  Maybe tonight, she'll do what she couldn't do before. Laugh, cry,   If not tonight, maybe tomorrow. If not tomorrow, maybe the next night.  She has to return to me sometime.  When she does, I'll be waiting. 

How weird is it that a Debbie Gibson song is applicable to the loss of my daughter?   Also, did you know that this song was written by Jon Bon Jovi?   Well, now you do.  Life is full of surprises.
Only In My Dreams 
Every time I'm telling secrets 
I remember how it used to be 
And I realized how much I miss you 
And I realize how it feels to be free 

Now I see I'm up to no good (no, no, no) 
And I wanna start again 
Can't remember when I felt good (baby) 
No I can't remember when 

No, only in my dreams 
As real as it may seem 
It was only in my dreams 

 Couldn't see how much I missed you (now I do) 
Couldn't see how much it meant 
Now I see my world come tumbling down 
(tumbling down my world) 
Now I see the road is bent 

If I only once could hold you (no, no, no) 
And remember how it used to be 
If only I could scold you 
And forget how it feels to be free 
No, no, no, no, only in my dreams 
As real as it may seem 
It was only in my dreams 

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