Saturday, March 9, 2013

A Mother's Love

Not a day goes by that I do not think of holding my little girl.   Not a minute passes that my fingers do not remember the softness of her skin, that my arms do not remember the weight of her tiny body.  For that brief moment in my life when I held her, still and cold, I felt not just the heart wrenching pain of loss, but also the soul lifting sense of completeness.   I didn't even know I was missing anything until she was right in front of me.  This is what life is all about.   This right here, in my arms.  I loved her while she was on the inside, that's for sure, but there was something that clicked into place once I saw her, once I held her, that made me know, without a doubt, that this was the purest and strongest love in existence.  That love poured out of me like water from a fire hydrant, free and powerful.   It's the power of that love that fuels the pain I feel now.   We all know from our own experience, the more we love, the more it hurts when we lose the one we love.   Whether a 7th grade crush, a cherished pet, a broken engagement, or an angel child - the greater the climb, the harder the fall.  I climbed to the highest mountain and fell to the deepest canyon.  But, I wouldn't trade the depth of this fall for a less amount of love.   I am grateful for that love.   I am grateful I was able to experience such a true emotion.  I am grateful for her presence in my life - even if it was for such a short amount of time.   She made me understand  what it means to be completely and utterly selfless.  She made me feel the greatest joy, and although the result of that was the greatest sorrow, I am not sorry.  She made me a mother.  No one can take that away from me.   I am her mother.  I will always be her mother, and she will always be my daughter.  I created a life so wonderful and so grand that the world could not contain it.  And I will always, always, always love her with everything I have - from now until the day my breath leaves my body for the last time.  And, even then, I'm sure I'll still find a way.  



  1. There are but a few things No one can take away from us and they are the love we feel in our hearts and the memories stored in our minds.
    Cherish them both.

  2. Just read all your beautiful words and thoughts. You truly have a gift of writing. I hope you never stop. I know you don't remember me from Gulf Breeze... but your Mom is so special to me that your journey right now is as if this happened to my family.
    I had a brother die in an auto accident when he was 13 and I was 11. I still have vivid memories of my parents pain and indescribable anguish. Unlike you, my mother gave in to the 95% that begged her to stay in bed and found succor in medications... Our mother was never the same. She seemed to forget there was more life to be lived. Our father was like you... determined to go forward. For that, I was and am grateful. Like your Mike, he continued to be her strongest supporter and loved her with all his heart.
    Your path is not for the weak-hearted or weak-spirited. I see your fight to "live" and not let the darkness take over, much like something I read years ago about how Barbara Bush dealt with the loss of their daughter. She talked about some similar feelings you've expressed. She, too, said she had to get out and get involved with life... volunteering was her refuge so she could keep herself from the pits of depression. I think your writing may become a much larger tribute to your beautiful Kenley. I would encourage you to have it published, not for any reason except as her introduction to the world you dreamed she would conquer; a world that is already (and will be) a better place because of HER; because of her parents' love for her; because your story may help others heal.
    You say you're not "strong" rather a "survivor".... I agree and disagree. You are a SURVIVOR but it takes Internal Strength to survive. Your parents taught you to be strong, to survive whatever comes your way.... and obviously, they did it grandly.
    Please know that all of you are loved and your beautiful picture of Kenley is a treasure cherished by all of us. Continue to have the courage to be Kenley’s proud Mom. It’s your privilege.
    My love and continued prayers to all of your family… Fuchsia