Friday, March 8, 2013

Photo Finish

When I was little one of my favorite books was the Sesame Street book "There's a Monster at the End of this Book".  In this book, Grover sees the title of the book and spends the rest of the book freaking out because he is afraid of the monster at the end.  He builds a wall of bricks, which is knocked down when you turn the page.  He ties the pages together with rope, but the reader just pulls it right down.   All the while, he can't believe you are continuing to turn the pages because there is a monster at the end.  Why would you keep heading straight for the monster?  Then, you get to the last page, and all you see is Grover.  He is the monster.  Doesn't he feel silly?  All this time, he was scared of nothing.   Fair warning, I am posting a picture of my baby girl at the end of this post.  She is definitely not a monster, but I kind of feel like people sometimes react to seeing her picture a little like Grover.   They don't want to see her.  They don't want to open the photo album that contains her.   They squirm.  They shift.   They look out of politeness, or they politely decline.
I know everyone is entitled to doing what makes them comfortable.  But, I can't help it, it makes me mad!  I was writing a post the other day and thought I'd pop her picture on the end of it.   I worried about it bothering people, and I asked Mike if he thought I should do it.   He said it was my blog and I could do what I wanted, but it might make people upset.   I ultimately decided against it for that particular post, but the more I thought about it, the angrier I became.  Why shouldn't I be able to show people pictures of my baby?  Everyone else can post pictures and videos of their children, smiling, laughing, playing in pools.  No one avoids looking at those pictures.   They get comments like "Sooo cute",  "Aww, she's so precious!", and "What a little swimmer!"  No one is uncomfortable.
I had a baby, just like all of these people.  I carried her inside for 36 weeks.  I loved her.  I nurtured her.  My baby is beautiful and special and wonderful, just like everyone else's.   The only difference is, I only got one shot for pictures of my baby.   I only have four.  I will always only have four, and in all of them, she looks like she's taking a nap.  Although, we all know that she's not.   And that's the clincher.  That's the tiny detail that makes everything so different.   But, I am just as proud of a mama as any other mother.   I want to show you pictures of my baby.  I want to share my joy and my love with you.  I want you to marvel with me at how beautiful her face is.  What a full head of hair she has.  I want what every other mother has - a baby she can show off.  
Now, I am not posting her picture at the end of this post to fish for compliments.  I am posting it because I need to share her.   I need you to see what I see - a beautiful, fabulous little girl.   My little girl.   My Kenley Evelyn.  She's not the monster at the end of the book.   She's the love at the start of my heart.  

41 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness! Look at all of that hair. Rebecca, thank you for sharing with us one of your pictures of your sweet baby.

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  2. She is BEAUTIFUL. And you Absolutely should be proud of her.

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  3. Rebecca, you don't know me from Adam, but I know Allison from Ravelry, and as a KD. When I saw her posts about your loss, my heart just broke for all of you. Thank you for sharing your beautiful Kenley with us, and know that you are in the thoughts of someone who you have never met, but who still sends you love and hope for peace.

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  4. Thank you for your vulnerability and willingness to share. <3 AOT. You are a courageous and marvelous woman.

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  5. She is beautiful! I am glad that you will always have thsse oictures to remember her by. She will always be your first..you beautiful, napping angel! I am stilk praying for you every day.

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  6. She IS beautiful. Thank you for sharing her with me. You are amazing and beautiful, too.

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  7. Beautiful baby girl <3

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  9. Kenley is beautiful, Rebecca. Thank you for sharing.

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  10. THANK YOU for sharing her Rebecca! Kenley is BEAUTIFUL! You are very right to be so proud of her. Continual prayers for all of your family, may God hold you in His arms always.
    Becky Hughes

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  11. Look at all that beautiful black hair! She is beautiful! I see a resemblance of you in her precious littlr face. Thank you so much for sharing. :) Your words in your blog entries are so well written and eloquent. Your words will reach out and help others. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers each and every day.
    Stephanie Clemmer

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  12. Rebecca...Kenley is bautiful! Thank you for sharing her with each of us! You are so very special! love you!

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  13. Love her, that little face is so sweet. I think she would have been mischievous! Oh how I can picture our lunch conversations of the Tales of Kenley! :) love you!
    Tonia

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  14. She is perfect. Thank you for sharing and may God see you through these difficult times.

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  15. She's an absolutely beautiful baby girl... I know someday you'll all be together again just like I will be with mine.

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  16. Thanks you for sharing your story and your beautiful baby girl.

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  17. Thank you for sharing your story and your beautiful baby girl. She has a head full of hair.
    Vickie Garrett

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  18. She is absolutely precious, Rebecca! She looks just like you:) Of course you want to share her picture.Every mother wants to share photos of their child. Mike is absolutely right!

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  19. Beautiful! Thanks for sharing. I Pray for God to continue to comfort you and the family, my He give you Peace that passes all understanding. Draw your Strength from His strength. God Bless you and the family. Yours truly Mrs. Cross.

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  20. Thank you for sharing her picture with me again. She is a beautiful and perfect baby girl. A wonderful combination of you and Mike.

    Robin

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  21. Thank you for sharing your story. You also don't know me,but I know Allison from our days at BRMC. You precious baby is beautiful. My heart breaks for you,and I pray for peace for you. I am certain your beautiful writings about your heartbreak will be a blessing to some other family who has to bear the same heartbreak. May God Bless you. Diane.



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  22. My goodness she has a head of hair. She looks like her mom. God Bless and Keep you both.

    Cheryl Surrett

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  23. I don't know you, but Allison is my friend. When I heard of your loss I felt terrible with only the ability to intellectually reason with what you must be going through, but no ability to understand. I felt the need to say something to you and your family to provide support but didn't know what to say because I understand death enough to know that there is nothing that I can say to make it better except, I am very sorry for you loss and I wish you all the best. I for one fully support whatever it is you need to get through this. Tracy

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  24. I love to see your pictures of Kenley! Don't ever hesitate to share your beautiful girl with us...for once Mike was right. It is your blog, use it however you need to.

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  25. What a beautiful little girl! And now she's an angel watching over you.

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  26. Rebecca, I am honored to look at this beautiful child you and Mike created....we all hold Kenley in our hearts and love her dearly. She is, and always will be your baby. She is a creation of love. As I pray for you my heart is so heavy with pain over your loss from one mother to another. She is beautiful! With love, Nancy Lucy

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  27. What a beautiful little girl. Thank you for sharing.

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  28. Rebecca, I am so glad you decided to post Kenley's picture. She is beautiful and you have every right to be proud. Thank you for sharing her with us. Diane Mark

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  29. Be proud Rebecca. Be Angry, Grieve, Be sad, be Joyous, Be full of heart and fill yourself and be carried by our love and your strength...or maybe YOUR LOVE and OUR STRENGTH. Be frustrated, and feel despair; feel hope and feel loss. Allow your self to be distracted and then return to your consuming thoughts. Feel ALL these things and don't stop sharing the pain and sense of loss, because after all, you are only human. But, in the midst of all this churning and turning, revel in the spirit that was shared with you by Mother Nature and the Universe; know that no spirit is either created or destroyed, and lives on in perfection. Take heart that you can only live one day at a time, and that day shall be spent as you intend it to be - filled with the love and joy that little Ms. Kenley brought into your life for nine lovely and perfect months. Love is always a blessing and THAT is FOREVER.

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  30. How adorable. She looks just like you!

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  31. My daughter Gabrielle-Olivia was stillborn at 39 weeks. The few photos I have of her are my MOST precious belongings in this world. Cherish these photos you have and know that your beautiful angel is in heaven. My prayers are with your family.

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  32. Rebecca,
    My name is Emily and I just lost my son, Walter on the 16th of March. I was 39 weeks and he died from unknown causes in the womb. My mother in law directed me to your blog and our stories are very similar. Thank you for blogging about your experience. It's great to know other people know how I feel. Your baby Kenley, is so adorable. I'm so so sorry for your loss. Thank you for putting up this picture. I will be praying for you and your husband.

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  33. <3 Beautiful Kenley Sleep sweetly in Jesus arms until Mommy and Daddy can hold you again. <3

    Thank you for putting into words what so many of us feel and can not express. I had stumbled upon your blog when you first started writing and was just redirected back to it today. You & Mikey are in my prayers.

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  34. she is beautiful. I know exactly what you mean though - I only have two photos of Jack... and I want to post them, but I feel scared about the comments or the judgement. I'm glad you felt brave and did it.... she's really adorable and deserves to be seen. I'm so sorry she is no longer with you.

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  35. Thank you for sharing! She is so beautiful. I wish I had even one picture of my Mikayla, but I only have the memories in my head. I stumbled on your blog through a Facebook post of a friend, and I am glad I did. I am only 11 weeks out from the stillbirth of my daughter at 22 weeks, and it helps so much to read the journeys of those who have traveled this path before. Thank you.

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  36. She is beautiful. I love all the dark hair! My babies were all born bald. I have never suffered a stillbirth, but I have had two miscarriages. I also lost my youngest son in Aug. 2013 after he drowned. You can read about Luke at rememberingluke.com Thank you for sharing Kenley's story and picture.

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  37. She is beautiful. The world is diminished by not having the opportunity to truly know her.

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  38. Your baby girl is so lovely. I adore her fuzzy forehead...my yougest had that too. Sending you and your little girl and your family love and light xxx

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