Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Run Kenley Run Playlist #1: Inner Ninja

When I went on vacation the summer after Kenley died, I made a playlist for some of those days full of songs that spoke to my grief or my healing. I did the same thing in the days leading up to Piper's birth. So, it seems fitting that I create a blog series of songs that are getting me through to February 26th, 2017.
As my running distance increases each week, I have to find more songs to fill the time. This song has been in my iTunes for a while now, but I have only recently added it to my runs. Obviously, the title was what grabbed me first - and the beat is catchy and uptempo - but it's the words in the second verse and the chorus that really make this song meaningful.

Hey yo, I've been high and I've been real low
I've been beaten and broken but I healed though
So many ups and downs, roughed up and clowned
We all got problems, but we deal though
I'm tryin' to do better now, find my inner peace
Learn my art form, and find my inner Chi
When my backs on the wall, I don't freeze up
Nah, I find my inner strength and I re-up
Here we go, I know I've never been the smartest or wisest
But I realize what it takes
Never dwell in the dark cause the sun always rises
But gotta make it to the next day
It's a feeling that you get in your lungs when you run
Like you're runnin' outta air and your breath won't come
And you (uh) wheezin', gotta keep it movin'
Find that extra (uhn) and push your way through it

I've had bad habits but I dropped em, (I dropped em)
I've had opponents but I knocked them out
I climbed the highest mountains
I swam the coldest seas
There ain't a thing I've faced that's been too much for me

Grief is hard work.  Yeah, it looks like a few years makes it easier, but that's not true.   I have worked harder than anything in my life to get through the coldest sea imaginable.  I continue to work every day to keep myself afloat.   I am proud of that.   It isn't just because time has passed.  Time does nothing to heal.  WE heal OURSELVES.   We do whatever we can to climb that mountain of grief every day.   We learn the mountain.  We learn its crevices and cracks.  We learn the shortcuts - oh wait - there aren't any.   We push through the day with everything we have and some days are definitely more victorious than others.   But, we find that part of ourselves that WANTS to make it through and we hold on to it hard and tight.  That part of me that wants to be happy - that wants to face her day with joy - that wants to triumph over the cold, dark days of February (and many others) - she's my Inner Ninja.   

Nobody's gonna see me comin'
Nobody's gonna hear a sound
No matter how hard they're tryin'
Nobody's gonna bring me down

Nobody's gonna see me comin'
Nobody's gonna hear a sound
No matter how hard they're tryin'
No stoppin' me since I've found
My inner ninja