FYI

It's important for you to know that my blog posts are not my entire day.   I write what I need to write when I need to write it. I save each post when it's finished and decide each morning when I wake up which one to publish.  I usually have anywhere from 4 - 5 to choose from. Sometimes, I have an idea of which one I want for that day and sometimes I don't.   I post so people who choose to do so may follow my strange journey.  There are posts I have written that you will probably never read.   

As I've said before, I write to sort my emotions and to try to make sense of what is going on inside of me.   When my posts come across as raw and emotional, it is because that moment in my life was raw and emotional.  I needed to organize what I was feeling.  I needed to classify, to clarify, to communicate.  I feel every ounce of emotion in every word you read.   I'm not fabricating.  I'm not embellishing.  Everything you read is 100% real to me at the moment I felt it and the moment I wrote it. However, I want you to know that my life is not always so terrible.  This is the most awful thing I can imagine ever happening to me, and I am absolutely devastated.  My heart is broken and my soul is crushed.   My future is uncertain and I walk on shaky ground.  But I am still walking.   I am still here and I am fighting to stay upright.  No matter what you read, no matter how broken I seem, I want you to know that I am down but not out.  I am bleeding but not dying. Not every second of my day is spent underneath a black cloud.   Every once in a while, the sun does peek through.   I am living my life the very best I know how and I will not let this beat me.  

I know that no one really knows what to say to me.   You send love.  You send prayers and well wishes.  You tell me I'll heal with time.   But, really, there is really nothing you CAN say.  And I don't need you to say anything.  I'm just grateful you're taking this journey with me - and that my words mean something to you too.