Thursday, March 7, 2013

Holding On

If you did not know what a good man looks like, here is a picture of one.  My husband, Mike, is one of the best men I know.   Obviously, I think this because I married him.  But, let me tell you, I could never have gotten through these last few weeks without him.  
In the face of tragedy, couples do one of two things.  They come together or they fall apart.  If I can find one speck of light in this utter darkness, it is the fact that I have never felt closer or more connected to my husband than I do now.  
Throughout the pregnancy, Mike would greet me by giving me a kiss and saying "My girl", and then bending down to my belly and saying "My baby".  His excitement to be a father was plastered across his face.  This is OUR loss.  I can see the pain and heartache in his eyes every day, but he has been so strong for the both of us.  He sits by me while I fall apart, and when I am done, he helps me pick up the pieces.   
In the hospital, we often sat down together and tried to make sense of this.  Obviously, there is no sense to be made, but his sentiments were always the same.   We would get through this together.   As a team.   It will be hard.  It will be horrible.   But, we will make it through because we are stronger together.
When we were planning the wedding, I had a heck of a time figuring out what song I wanted to play when I walked down the aisle.  I knew I wanted something different - and I wanted a song with words.  I wanted words that echoed my feelings of love and adoration for my husband.  I thought of Foo Fighters' "Miracle", Ingrid Michaelson's "The Way I am", and many others.   I finally settled on "All You Need is Love" from the Across the Universe soundtrack, which was the perfect choice.  For some reason, though, before that final decision was made, my heart kept migrating toward Michael Buble's "Hold On".   If you have never heard this song, you must. You can do that here 
Isn't it a beautiful song?  When I was wedding planning, I loved the message and the melody, it embodied everything about the two of us, but I held back because it had a sense of melancholy in it.   It seemed like the couple in the song had undergone some tragedy and were clinging together in the storm.  Since a wedding is not really the time and place for such a song, I shelved it, but it has always spoken to me.   It has always held a special place in my heart.   There is no way I could have known then what I know now.  There is no way I could have ever imagined that one day we would be that couple facing the impossible.   But, it is a testament to our relationship that even then, I knew that we COULD.  While I am grateful to all the friends and family who have been here for me during this painful time, the one person I know I could not make it without is Mike.  He is my rock.  I am his home.  We cling to and shelter each other during this monsoon.  One day, the skies will clear and the seas will calm.   But, until then, we hold on.  

Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones.
I guess that we were once, babe, we were once,
but luck will leave you cursed, it is a faithless friend,
and in the end, when life has got you down,
you've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around.

So hold on to me tight,
hold on to me tonight.
We are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
So hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart,
but it's no ones fault, no it's not my fault.
Maybe all the plans we made might not work out,
but I have no doubt, even though it's hard to see.
I've got faith in us, and I believe in you and me.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cuz it's you and me together,
and baby all we've got is time.
So hold on to me,
hold on to me tonight.

There's so many dreams that we have given up.
Take a look at all we've got,
and with this kind of love,
and what we've got here is enough.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cause we are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
Just hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.
Hold on to me, it's gonna be alright.
Hold on to me tonight.

They always say, we were the lucky ones.

1 comment:

  1. We do not know each other but stumbled upon your blog and it has touched my heart beyond belief. You are a courageous warrior momma and your words are speaking louder than you realize. I do not know your kind of loss but I hope that you know we are reading and hearing what you are going through. Your daughters picture was absolutely beautiful and she looked like an angel sleeping. Every mother wants their child to leave thei footprint on the world and you are helping Kenley to leave hers through your powerful posts.