I've had some serious writer's block lately. My latest posts have been written for a few days and have just posted on a schedule. My last written post was scheduled for today, so now here I am. Trying to write something that will go out tomorrow. And then hoping that by tomorrow night, I'll have more to say for the coming days.
Usually, I can write one or two posts at a time - or sometimes polish one up for publishing. But lately, I've been having trouble getting my words out. Maybe I'm running out of things to say. Maybe I'm just tired of saying the same things over and over. Maybe I'm just plain tired and need a break. Maybe it's all three.
I do need to write. I do need to sort and work through things. My emotions get easily tangled up inside of me, and this blog helps me work through the knots. But, I think sometimes, I just need a little bit to not think about it. To not obsess over what happened and what I can't change. Nothing will bring her back. No amount of writing will keep me from losing her. Words cannot take me back in time. And these words, while so very helpful to me, are also becoming hurtful. Sitting at my computer for thirty minutes to an hour at a time where all I do is think about how much I hurt is hard. Cathartic, yes. But still so very hard.
I want to try to keep up my pace of posting daily, but I'm not sure I can right now. I'm not sure I can keep focusing so hard on everything at the same time. Everything takes an enormous amount of focus now. Not just this blog or my Kenley's Krew Facebook page. Everything. I have to give everything my full attention in order to maintain some sense of normalcy. It's like my brain is on a leash. If I allow it some slack, it will immediately wander to how much I miss her. How all I want to do is hold her in my arms and touch her soft skin. How empty I feel without her here. And then, I feel the tears rise hot and fast. My breath catches and my heart breaks. And I have to work so hard to pull myself back together. Sometimes, writing is a welcome release, but sometimes, writing these posts seems like I am breaking my heart repeatedly on purpose.
I'm tired. I am going to try to keep posting every day, but if you check in and there is nothing new, just know I'm on a break. I'll probably be back the next day, or maybe the next. I just need a minute to regroup and recharge. Maybe I'll get a second wind tomorrow. Maybe that wind won't blow through for a few more days. I don't know. All I know is I am doing the best I can with what I have - and sometimes that just isn't enough.