Unless you are a teacher - or married to one - you might not know that we have to pack up our rooms at the end of every school year. We can't just leave all the desks in their locations, the pencils on the counters, and the books on the shelves. We have to put things in bins or cabinets. We have to stack the desks and chairs. Everything is tucked away and secured. This is so the custodians can use the summer to deep clean the classrooms. This is what I have to go do today - and I probably couldn't want to do anything less.
Wednesday was the last day for students. Thursday was the teachers' last day. For that exact reason, I told my principal I would be in on Friday. Not that I don't want to see anyone - but I don't want to see anyone.
Going back to school stresses me out. I have actually had several nightmares about going back. In them, I am surrounded by sad eyes and condolences, and when I try to get up and teach, I can't because I am so overwhelmed. My school family surrounded me with love when Kenley died. They sent cards and food. They sent money to help with our expenses. Some people stopped by to see how we were. They are all wonderful, wonderful people, but I'm not ready. I'm not ready to be back there and see everyone all at once. Hopefully, today, the halls will be mostly empty. Only a few people might still be there finishing up their rooms.
Besides my own home, school is where I spent a majority of my pregnancy. I walked those halls from the very first day of school with Kenley in my belly. As time went on, I waddled them. From day one, I was pregnant. From the beginning of August till the end of February, Kenley and I went to school every day together. Today is my first day going without her. And I am scared. I am scared I will walk into my classroom - the room I left that fateful day thinking I'd be back the next - and just lose it. I am scared everything I have to organize and sort and put away will bring back memories of my students, to whom I never got to say goodbye. I am scared that it will all be too overwhelming and I will just fall apart in the middle of the room, surrounded by piles of things I haven't seen in three months.
I don't want to go. I want it to just magically organize and pack itself. I'm just not ready. But, it has to be done. And I am a grown up, and I do what I am supposed to do. So, here goes nothing.
((Hugs)) Praying for you as you face all the hard tasks and trigger memories today <3
ReplyDeleteThank you, Shauna. It was tough, especially since the room was a mess with me being gone for three months. I found a stack of Congratulation cards my students gave me the week before I left. Even though I left suddenly and they had no warning, they had been making and giving me cards for Kenley as soon as I started showing. That was the hardest part. Seeing those cards and remembering how excited those 10 year olds were for me. Ugh. Day by day.
DeleteSorry you had to go back to the school so soon. I hope it was OK. Let me know if you need anything! Hugs
ReplyDeleteThanks! I made it through. I need some more sushi! Lets do that. :)
DeleteIt must feel good to have it done, though! :)
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean! I had to go in to do sub plans for the weeks I would be missing. The dread I had was almost worse than going in there. I did as much as I could at home and then went in late in the afternoon so I could make copies and get everything ready without seeing anyone. And the first day back was really hard. I was on the verge of tears all day, but everyone - even all my high school kids- was so kind it helped me survive that first day. In some ways I wish I'd stayed out longer, but in some it's good to go back. Getting back in the routine gave me time to get into work mode and not think too much. i hope you can find some of that in the fall.