A thought has been crossing my mind lately that I am slightly embarrassed about. I really shouldn't think it. In the grand scheme of things, this is a tiny, unimportant matter that really is kind of selfish. But, in the spirit of the blog, it wouldn't be fair for me to not write about it, so here goes. I have lost my special status - and it upsets me.
When you are pregnant, people smile at you. All the time. They open doors for you. They slow their car and wave you across the parking lot. When you are pregnant, people treat you differently. Sometimes, it's just a tiny glimmer of acknowledgement in their eyes, but it's something that says "Hey. Way to go. You're making a human and that's awesome!" From what I have seen firsthand, that attitude continues once the baby is born. Strangers stop on the street to oogle the baby. They make faces. They wave. They give nods of "I've been there, too! Keep on keepin on!" I miss that. I miss feeling special and I am upset that I didn't get to continue it.
It's not fair. In the amount of time it took to realize her heart had stopped beating, I went from the spotlight to the shadows. I went from basking in the sun to cowering in the corner. I feel absolutely terrible that I am complaining about this, but then I remember that it wasn't ME that made anything special. It was Kenley. She was the one who I was pregnant with. She was the one who made me glow from the inside out. She was the reason my belly bulged.
It's hard to go from celebrating to mourning in a split second. It's hard to spend so long hopeful for the future and then plunge headfirst into living in the past. Right now, all my joy comes from her. Memories of pregnancy, of how I felt to feel her move, of the smiles I got when strangers glimpsed my growing stomach. I cling to that special feeling because it is all I have left. When I lost her, I lost the light that illuminated me. The light that enabled everyone to see me.
When I go out into the world, no one gives me a second glance. No one thinks I am special. No one smiles at me. No one waves at me. And it hurts. It hurts because they don't know. They see a woman with ill fitting pants and a soft stomach and think nothing of it, if they even see me at all. I want to run up to everyone I see, look them right in the eye, and say, "Hey...I am still special! Look at me! My baby is not here, but I am still a mother! I still deserve your smiles and your knowing glances!" Sometimes, I feel like a ghost that no one can see. Running around, trying to make herself known, but everyone just looks right through her. No one knows she's there
I hate the selfishness of this post, but I hate feeling like this all the same. Maybe the fact that Mother's Day is quickly approaching is making me extra sensitive, but I can't help how I feel. I was pregnant. I had a baby. I lost her. But, I am still special, dammit!