Some days are just really hard. Some days, I wake up covered in sadness and I stay wrapped in that blanket all day. Some days, I don't even try to find sunlight because, some days, I don't really care. Not every day. Not really even most days - at least not any more. But some days. The last week or so has been filled with a lot of those some days. Days where I am just sad and gray, where a dull and heavy rock just sits on my heart, squeezing out any energy I may have had to try to be happy. Some days, happiness just isn't there.
It's not a feeling of desperation. I know light might seep in later, just not this day. It's a feeling of unwilling acceptance. Accepting that today is just "one of those days." Today is a day I am going to be sad and there's nothing I can really do about it. It hangs over me, thick and gray. Rain clouds my vision and the world is blurry and wet. I do the best I can to see through the rain and the dark. I go about my usual activities, but everything is heavier and more difficult on these days.
On these Some Days, I am slightly askew. I'm like a telescope where not all parts are aligned. The stars are still there, but I don't see them. I am off. Tilted. Removed.
On these Some Days, I don't really care about anything other than the fact that I am sad. Nothing seems exciting or interesting. I don't want to write, or bake, or paint. I don't want to put on pants - although, Mike usually makes me.
On these Some Days, I find my eyes glazing over as I stare at nothing in particular. My mind is a little less sharp and I am a little less present. If I go out of the house, I feel removed from most interactions - almost like I am watching someone else be me for the day.
On these Some Days, I cry more easily and usually for most of the day. I feel like I am being crushed underneath layers of sadness - like a brittle leaf pressed between the pages of the Oxford Dictionary. I am tired and lethargic and just want to go back to bed. But, I don't because then the Some Day wins and as long as I am strong enough to fight it, I will.
Some Days are better than others. Some Days are worse. Some Days come and go, and I deal with them as they do.