Some Days

Some days are just really hard.  Some days, I wake up covered in sadness and I stay wrapped in that blanket all day.  Some days, I don't even try to find sunlight because, some days, I don't really care.    Not every day.   Not really even most days - at least not any more.  But some days.  The last week or so has been filled with a lot of those some days.   Days where I am just sad and gray, where a dull and heavy rock just sits on my heart, squeezing out any energy I may have had to try to be happy.   Some days, happiness just isn't there.  

It's not a feeling of desperation.  I know light might seep in later, just not this day.  It's a feeling of unwilling acceptance.  Accepting that today is just "one of those days."  Today is a day I am going to be sad and there's nothing I can really do about it.   It hangs over me, thick and gray.  Rain clouds my vision and the world is blurry and wet.  I do the best I can to see through the rain and the dark.  I go about my usual activities, but everything is heavier and more difficult on these days.  

On these Some Days, I am slightly askew.   I'm like a telescope where not all parts are aligned.  The stars are still there, but I don't see them.  I am off.  Tilted.  Removed.   

On these Some Days, I don't really care about anything other than the fact that I am sad.   Nothing seems exciting or interesting.   I don't want to write, or bake, or paint.  I don't want to put on pants - although, Mike usually makes me.   

On these Some Days, I find my eyes glazing over as I stare at nothing in particular.  My mind is a little less sharp and I am a little less present.  If I go out of the house, I feel removed from most interactions - almost like I am watching someone else be me for the day.   

On these Some Days, I cry more easily and usually for most of the day.  I feel like I am being crushed underneath layers of sadness - like a brittle leaf pressed between the pages of the Oxford Dictionary.  I am tired and lethargic and just want to go back to bed.  But, I don't because then the Some Day wins and as long as I am strong enough to fight it, I will.

Some Days are better than others.  Some Days are worse.  Some Days come and go, and I deal with them as they do.