1. Consumed small amounts of caffeine on a weekly basis
2. Ate bites of raw cookie dough a few times
3. Slept on my right side and sometimes even my back
4. Had one glass of wine at a dinner party once
5. Forgot to take my pre-natal vitamin at least twice a week
6. Was on my feet all day Monday through Friday
7. Rested my cell phone and Ipad on my stomach when I wasn't using them
8. Poked her a lot
9. Lifted my hands above my head to reach things from high places
10. Picked up a few heavy objects
11. Rearranged my students desks a few times
12. Sat next to a smoking person at an outdoor festival
13. Ate deli sandwiches
14. Had a few bites of brie cheese
15. Ran into the counter's edge several times with my belly
16. Took allergy medication
17. Probably didn't drink enough water
18. Ate a lot of fast food
19. Forgot to floss
20. Complained about being pregnant
Although I feel slightly guilty about this entire list, it's the last one that gets me. If I had known that being pregnant was the only time I was going to have with her, maybe I'd have been better about it. I hated how I looked. I thought I looked enormous and gross. I would look and my bulging belly and grimace. I grimaced! I would tell Mike I felt fat and disgusting, and like a good husband, he would tell me I looked beautiful. But, I didn't feel it. Truth be told, I didn't particularly enjoy being pregnant. If I wasn't nauseous, I had other digestive issues. I was plagued with heartburn and swollen ankles. I was exhausted and constantly having to pee. I couldn't sleep and my back ached. At the time, I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to be finished with pregnancy so I could move on with motherhood. Now, I would give anything to have that time back. To have just a few more moments with my baby alive. My pregnancy was pretty standard - right up to the point when it completely wasn't. I would gladly suffer through the worst pregnancy imaginable if it meant I could have a healthy, living baby at the end. I would go through hell to get to heaven. I wouldn't even think twice.
So many mothers take pregnancy for granted. Especially when you pass that 20 week mark, you think you're home free. You swing your bat and hit that ball high and fast. As it soars through the air, you run with an air of confidence. Rounding first, second, third. You're sliding into home and...thunk...you hear the sound of a ball hitting a glove. You're out. Game over. The other team wins. You never thought this would happen to you. You're a good batter with a strong arm and a sharp aim. You should have hit a homer. But, you didn't. And, so you sit in the dugout, covered in red clay and disappointment, wishing you'd paid more attention to the game.
I feel the same way. I complained so much about being pregnant. Between the nausea, sleepless, back pain, migraines, etc, I couldn't wait to be done and get to embrace motherhood. Now, I'd do anything just to have her here again. I regret taking everything in my pregnancy or granted. I didn't talk to her enough, I didn't revel in every kick, every doctors appointment. I was so naive. And I hate that!
ReplyDeleteI had the pleasure of meeting your sister, Allison, yesterday. She felt my grief which opened the commiseration and discussion of Kenley's death and my 3 y.o. grandson's death. I know how you feel. I am feeling just like you are. You are a very gifted writer. Allison told me that, and I have experienced your "wordsmith" ability. My first, and only, grandson, Gabriel, died 6 months ago. I took care of him several days and nights each week. He was the joy of my life. His death has "rocked my world" with the deepest sadness I have ever known.
ReplyDelete"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people stay awhile. Some people come and leave footprints on your heart and we are never the same.