While I have had a wonderful time seeing friends and family, I also have been very painfully aware that none of these trips should have occurred. Instead of traipsing through Seattle, I should have been nursing my baby. Instead of taking a ghost tour in New Orleans, I should have been changing her diapers. And, instead of eating delicious lobster with my sister in Boston, I should have been rocking Kenley to sleep. It is so hard to reconcile the life I am leading with the life I should have had. How can I enjoy anything when it comes to me so tainted?
I am tired of feeling I have to justify my actions to myself. I am tired of living a life that shouldn't be mine - yet so cruelly is.
I'll get there. I am sure one day, way down this twisting path, there is a point where the life that has been forced upon me is the one I finally have made my own. But, not yet. Not today. I still wake up every day with a feeling in my gut that this is not supposed to be the way it is. I still feel empty and incomplete. My eyes focus on a world where I don't belong - and I ache everyday to return to the one where I do. This is not my life.