Friday, July 5, 2013

Worn Out

I scheduled posts through yesterday because I figured, surely I'll have some time before Friday to get something written.  I am exhausted.  Mentally and physically.   I have been running all over this nation for the last month and I need a nap.  

While I have had a wonderful time seeing friends and family, I also have been very painfully aware that none of these trips should have occurred.  Instead of traipsing through Seattle, I should have been nursing my baby.   Instead of taking a ghost tour in New Orleans, I should have been changing her diapers. And, instead of eating delicious lobster with my sister in Boston, I should have been rocking Kenley to sleep.  It is so hard to reconcile the life I am leading with the life I should have had.  How can I enjoy anything when it comes to me so tainted?  

I am tired of feeling I have to justify my actions to myself.  I am tired of living a life that shouldn't be mine - yet so cruelly is.  

I'll get there.  I am sure one day, way down this twisting path, there is a point where the life that has been forced upon me is the one I finally have made my own.   But, not yet.  Not today.  I still wake up every day with a feeling in my gut that this is not supposed to be the way it is.   I still feel empty and incomplete.  My eyes focus on a world where I don't belong - and I ache everyday to return to the one where I do.   This is not my life.

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