Sometimes, I feel like my life is someone else's EKG printout.
I think I'm moving forward. I think I am making progress. Up. Up. Up. "I only cried once today," I think to myself. Only twice yesterday. Maybe tomorrow, I won't cry at all. And then, in an instant, I lose my footing and I plummet back down. Splat. And, once again, I am right where I started. It's a constant cycle of upswings and downward spirals. Chasing a carrot I can't seem to catch.
I'm a child building sandcastles too close to the ocean. I scurry around in the wet, slippery sand to build the sturdiest structure I can before the waves rush in and pull it back to sea. I rebuild. It is pulled under. Over and over and over.
It is exhausting to work so hard to hold on, knowing it is only a matter of time before I lose my grip again. I don't know if I am getting stronger or getting weaker or not getting anything at all. Sometimes, I feel determined to fight with everything I have. Sometimes, I feel I can't possibly do this another second. And then, other times, I feel nothing at all.
I am sure my blog posts reflect this irregularity. The post you read on any given day is only a glimpse into the moment at hand. Some posts portray my life as healing, progressing, and feeling positive. Others talk about how I have lost hope, how much I miss her, how much this hurts. Maybe you don't know which posts to believe. Believe them all. I am doing all of it all at once, and it is utter insanity.