Thursday, July 18, 2013

Ups and Downs

Sometimes, I feel like my life is someone else's EKG printout.

I think I'm moving forward.  I think I am making progress.  Up.  Up.  Up.  "I only cried once today," I think to myself.  Only twice yesterday.  Maybe tomorrow, I won't cry at all.  And then, in an instant, I lose my footing and I plummet back down.  Splat.   And, once again, I am right where I started.  It's a constant cycle of upswings and downward spirals.  Chasing a carrot I can't seem to catch.   

I'm a child building sandcastles too close to the ocean.   I scurry around in the wet, slippery sand to build the sturdiest structure I can before the waves rush in and pull it back to sea.  I rebuild.  It is pulled under.  Over and over and over.  

It is exhausting to work so hard to hold on, knowing it is only a matter of time before I lose my grip again.  I don't know if I am getting stronger or getting weaker or not getting anything at all.  Sometimes, I feel determined to fight with everything I have.  Sometimes, I feel I can't possibly do this another second.  And then, other times, I feel nothing at all.  

I am sure my blog posts reflect this irregularity.  The post you read on any given day is only a glimpse into the moment at hand. Some posts portray my life as healing, progressing, and feeling positive.  Others talk about how I have lost hope, how much I miss her, how much this hurts.  Maybe you don't know which posts to believe.   Believe them all.  I am doing all of it all at once, and it is utter insanity.  


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