This week has been really rough for me. The Royal Baby was born on Monday, I saw my grief counselor Tuesday, I visited my grandfather in the hospital on Wednesday, Kenley's 5 month anniversary was Thursday, and I went to school to start the overwhelming set up of my classroom yesterday. I haven't had much time to do anything of consequence to write up for today. I did, however, manage to watch the 6th season of 30 Rock on Netflix. So...yay?
As I tried to think of what I could write for today's post, I kept coming up blank. I didn't do anything but survive. When I think about it, that's really all I've been doing all this time anyway. Surviving. Waking up every morning, getting through my day one moment at a time, going to bed, and then doing it all over again.
So, today, I am going to focus this post on two things I am going to do in the coming weeks.
1. I am going to go back to work. August 7th is the first day teachers report. Kids start the following Wednesday. As uncomfortable as I am right now to start working again, I know most of that is just my anxiety. Once I get through the stress of setting up the room and have my plans organized for the first few weeks, I'll be fine. I know I am a good teacher. I know I can do my job well - and I know that I enjoy it. I just have to take a few deep breaths and relax. It will be like riding a bike. A little wobbly at first, but once I get my footing, I'll start to glide and I'll realize I really missed the wind in my face.
2. I am going to try for another baby. August 25th will be 6 months since Kenley died. 6 months is the acceptable go-ahead for trying again after a C-section, and we are ready. It will not be easy to be pregnant again. I will be an insane bundle of nerves. I will be completely terrified until I am holding a crying baby in my arms. But, I can't let that stop me from trying again. We did not have any difficulty whatsoever conceiving Kenley, so I am not feeling too much stress about that aspect. However, that might change depending on how quickly we are successful this time. It's so easy to think the worst once the worst has actually happened to you, but I will try to as hard as I possibly can to stay positive and rational.
Both of these things will affect the blog.
Going back to work will mean I will have less time to write. Most likely, I will not be able to post as regularly as I have been. Six days a week will probably dwindle to about three. Maybe four. Although, some weeks, I might write more. Who knows, really? Posting will be irregular and unpredictable. So, if you want to stay connected without forgetting about me, now is a good time to become a "follower". You just need a google (gmail) account.
Trying for a baby will affect the emotions and actions I write about in the blog. My posts might begin to shift to the added stress of trying to conceive again. When I become pregnant, that pregnancy will definitely be a subject of my writing. I want to make it very clear now - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that this shift will in no way reflect any sort of dwindling memories or love of Kenley. I will not love her less. I will not think about her less. I will not suddenly be "over" her death. In the same way a second baby in a house with a living child does not diminish the importance of the first born, trying again does not mean I am forgetting about my little ninja. When you are in a fancy restaurant and you order a delicious and decadent dessert, do you eat one bite and then put down the fork? No way, Jose. You savor every bit of that richness. Kenley was just the first bite of motherhood. I'm ready for more. Kenley WILL be a big sister one day. And Mike and I will be parents to a baby we can hold in our arms. This story is far from finished.