Saturday, January 31, 2015

Truth or Dare

If you were ever in 5th grade, and I'm sure most of you were, you are familiar with the game Truth or Dare. Choose Truth and answer a probing question with complete honesty. Choose Dare and be obligated to perform a task outside of your comfort zone. You had no idea whether or not you were going to be forced to admit your crush on Alan Radwanski (man, that spiky hair gave my 11 year old heart such flutters!) or if you were going to have to do cartwheels in your backyard wearing your underwear on the outside of your clothes. (I...ahem..never did that.  Mainly because I can't cartwheel to save my life)

I feel a little like I have been playing a game of Truth or Dare with myself these last few weeks. In watching my blog post explode in the loss community, in having nurses and doctors thank me for my insight, in being a part of the sharing of such an important message, I have had to admit several truths.

Truth #1: I am excited.
 I am excited that my writing has reached so many and continues to spread. I am excited people are sharing my words and that I have been able to open the eyes of many as well as validate the feelings of others. I am excited to be making a difference in my little loss community.
Truth #2: I am terrified. 
 I am afraid I won't know how to take this as far as I would like it to go. I am afraid the paper wings will burn up before I can get my craft off the ground. I am afraid I am not good enough to make this happen, and that this entire movement is a fluke with an approaching expiration date. If I can make this bigger, I am afraid I won't do my sisters in loss justice. I am afraid I won't be able to be the spokesperson my community needs. I am afraid I will let down those whose hopes I have been building up.
Truth #3: I feel lost.
 I don't know where to go from here. I would love for my letter and video to be a part of regular training for medical and nursing students or for continuing education credits for those already in the profession. I would love to speak at conventions and conferences. I would love to put together a presentation that would be both moving and informative for anyone participating. I would love for hospital staff all over to use their training to seamlessly help a Heartbroken Mother as she says hello and goodbye to her beautiful baby. I want to make a difference, but I don't know what I'm doing. Really, I have no idea.
Truth #4: I believe in my message. 
Whatever happens, I will work hard to go as far as I can. I am committed to this cause and I will see it through to the best of my ability.

In addition to these truths, I have also been daring myself to push farther and make the biggest impact I possibly can.

Dare #1: I dared myself to ask for pictures to make a video. Everyone responded to the letter so intensely, I had a vision to create something that would have even more impact. I thought making a video of the letter would get the message out even more. So, I asked for photographs of our precious children, and I received them. I have been working on this video for a week and am needing to untie some red tape before wrapping it up. (See Truth #1)
 Dare #2: I am daring myself to pursue the presentation aspect of the letter. I want to contact hospitals instead of waiting for them to contact me. I am not sure how to go about this or what the response would be, but I want to put myself out there as a willing presenter for their staff's training. (See Truth #2 and 3)
Dare #3: I am daring myself to share my blog post with the "Celebrities" of the loss community. Carly Marie, Sean Hanish, Still Standing, The STILL project. I haven't gotten to that point yet. I'm not very good at tooting my own horn. Whenever I do, I feel like a fraud and a shameless self-promoter. I need to get over myself and remember that this isn't about ME, it's about our children. It's about the children of future Heartbroken Mothers. It's about those mothers and the doctors and nurses caring for them. It's about making a difference with my words. It's been happening, and I am daring myself to make it happen on a much larger scale, but I am scared out of my mind. (See Truth #2)

For the past two weeks, my brain has been going a mile a minute trying to keep up with the expansion of my tiny little blog post. For the past two weeks, this crazy game of Truth or Dare has been swirling around in my head.

I have no idea where this is going to go.  I have no idea what the end result will be or how I will get there.   All I know is that I can't believe I have even gotten this far so fast.  I can't believe the impact my words are making.  I am both humbled and inspired. 

This is so much more complicated than 5th grade!

This is the image Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep created for me when they shared my post on their page.


  1. Keep it coming :)
    This is how we wilL keep oir children in our memories, by sharing our experience and helping other parents that will go by this situation like us... I'm so proud of you and your hability to do this... 😊