Monday, January 5, 2015

A New Direction

You probably have already noticed a new color scheme to the blog, along with a new header. When I get time, I want to move a few things around as well. I feel the need to take the blog in another direction, and so I am slowly working on this shift.
Six months after this blog started, six months after writing every single day about my grief, I needed to stop. I couldn't handle my grief being a conscious focus in my life on a daily basis. It was too hard. So, I took a hiatus, and I wrote only sporadically. I wrote a little bit about trying to conceive a rainbow and then a few posts once the Rainbow arrived, and here we are at today.
I want to start writing more. I need to start writing more. When I don't write, my feelings become muddled. My brain twists around inside itself and doesn't know how to process anything. Writing is important to my survival. And I have neglected it for so long. It's time to get back into my writing routine. However, I am not going to write daily about grief. I can't do that. I can't pull myself back into that cycle. Sometimes, I feel like I have to hurt in order to still love her, but that's just not true. Pain is not love. Pain is the result of love, yes, but I don't have to be in constant pain in order to continue to feel love. I can feel joy and happiness. I can feel peace. It is possible. It is necessary.
I am going to continue to blog, but I am not going to hyper focus on my grief journey. Sure, there will be posts about my struggles because I need to write them out. I do want to focus on raising a Rainbow. I wasn't prepared for how hard that was going to be. I knew I wasn't going to miraculously heal my heart and come skipping out of the delivery room, but I really thought that having Piper would help make things improve. In many ways, it has. It is absolutely amazing to create a life and then see that life grow and learn. But, in many ways, it has been so very difficult.
Basically, the shift of focus will be from actively grieving Kenley to being a mom after loss. I want to blog about how mothering after loss brings up unexpected challenges and new-found appreciation. I want to continue to give insight into what it is like to lose a child - but in a different way. For the rest of my life, everything will be colored with Kenley, but I also want to spotlight the various shades of color Piper brings to it too.
In being open with my grief through the first six months of this blog, I made many new friends and was told over and over how my words helped them through their journey as well. I want to continue that, but instead of being a soul for commiseration, I want to be a beacon of light. I want to be that speck at the end of the tunnel. can do this. There is hope. There is more to life than pain, more to your heart than broken shards, and more to your soul than emptiness. There is life after loss.
My focus of this blog will begin to shift to dealing with being the mother of a Rainbow, and of how life is different with Piper in it. I really feel that often times, my perspective is not the same as mothers who haven't gone through what I have. I want to share that perspective, but in a way that isn't tied up in a big bow of grief.
I am going to try to write more regularly as one can with an 8 month old! I may or may not post to Facebook, but some of you already follow my blog anyway.
So...that's it. I am continuing to move forward in my life...with both of my girls. One in my arms and one in the stars! Thanks for traveling with me.

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