Friday, January 13, 2017

The Dragon

I can feel the rumbling.  Deep and guttural.  The Dragon is stirring.  He is shifting in the darkness, stretching his claws.  I have quite literally tried to outrun him, but I know he will catch up to me.  This whole time I have been running, I have known this.  I have felt his hot breath on my neck.  My old scars have ached with remembering.   And the truth is, I can't escape this.  

I feel weak and powerless.  I feel like no matter how hard I try, February will still devour me.  Chew me up and spit me out - again.  

And the anticipation of what's to come makes me want to hide beneath my blankets until March.

The reliving has begun.  The happy memories of pregnancy are tainted with what I know what is to come.   The jokes I made about heartburn.  My attempt at painting my own toenails.  My baby shower.  My maternity photo session.   All counting down to my own personal D-Day.   It all feels so pointless.    Not all the time - just these memories - just these months.   Everything good that happened from now until February 25th feels like blood money.   I paid the ultimate price for those memories and I don't know if they will never not be tainted.  

Today, I am tired.   I am wondering if I will be successful in my attempts to fight the Dragon that I know is coming for me.   I've been polishing my armor and sharpening my sword.  I've been keeping my eyes on the prize, visualizing my victory.   But, as I begin to hear him start to wake, I am terrified it won't be enough.  Already, my armor feels impossibly heavy - my sword awkward and unwieldy.  These last few months have been nothing but preparing for right now, and I am scared he will still overtake me.   Actually, I know he will.  

He will rise from his cave and swoop over me like a thunderstorm.   He will sink his claws into my back, his jaws into my neck.  He will rip into me as I run.   

These next six weeks will be the hardest six weeks of this journey because I have to continue to work just as hard as I have been, but I will have to do it while being shredded by the Dragon.  I will have to drag myself, limping and bleeding, through the rest of my training and across that finish line.  

Tomorrow, I run eleven miles.  And as I run, I will turn my music up to drown out his growls.  He's coming for me, but I won't go down without a fight.  

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