Thursday, January 19, 2017

Run Kenley Run Playlist #4: Home

My sister listened to this song on the airplane when she flew down to be with me after Kenley died.   She tells me she "ugly cried".    Now, whenever I listen to it, I think of her, alone on an airplane, sobbing as she flies down, only to miss holding Kenley by just a few hours.

This song makes me think of my support system, the people who swooped in when I needed them, who gave me safe harbor in the storm, and who didn't abandon me when my grief didn't go away.    

So many people walked away from me.   Some couldn't handle the initial blast and disappeared right away.   Others couldn't handle the fallout and have drifted away over the years.   And, at first, that really bothered me.  It hurt.   Sometimes, it still does.  But, honestly, I am at the point where I am beyond forcing people to be a part of my life.   It's not worth it.   You're either in or you're out - make up your mind because I have things to do and my life will carry on with or without you.

But, for every person who left, there is one who stayed, one who came back, and one who came in. So, even though my circles are vastly different from what they were on February 24, 2013, they are truer and tighter.  The relationships I cultivate now are deeper and more meaningful.  I appreciate them more.   

Loss changes everything.  From who you are to who you love to who loves you.  Years are often spent losing one relationship after another.  But, we come to cherish the ones who stay.  We create a warm little nest full of the people who make us happy - who understand us (or at least try their best to).  It takes a long, long while, but, eventually, we make it Home.

Hold on to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave, wave is stringing us along

Just know you're not alone
'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble—it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

1 comment:

  1. I am have been thinking of you every day this month. I can totally relate to this post. My sister too jumped on a plane and talks about sobbing the whole ride. She too did not get to the hospital in time. I will be thinking of Kenley these next couple of weeks.