Run Kenley Run Playlist #5: Perfect

It's never been a secret that I have struggled with self-image long before loss.   This song speaks to that struggle- and to the rebuilding of self both before and after.

In this song, P!nk is talking to someone who is also struggling with feeling confident.  She tells them that even though they feel like they are worthless, she sees much more in them.  To her, they are perfect.

Before Kenley died, I had finally gotten to the point in my life where I was feeling good about who I was, what I looked like, and my place in the world.   My fight with self-esteem had reached a point where I was the victor - and I had my demons tied up in the corner.    But, Kenley's death changed all that.  It not only released the demons I had gotten under control, but it created new ones - and together, they beat me to a bloody pulp over and over and over again.  I not only once again hated who I was, but I didn't trust myself either.  I had lost all faith in my ability to do anything because I had failed at the most basic of biological tasks.   

It took me years to regain my footing and to muster up enough strength to start fighting those demons again.   Really, this entire Half Marathon Journey is because of my need to beat them.  Last February was the turning point from "I have to fight" to "I have to win."   Because fighting isn't enough when you're fighting a losing battle.  There has to come a moment when you finally deem yourself worthy of winning.

This journey has taught me a lot about myself - both who I was and who I have become.   This past Saturday, I took a trial run in part of my race costume.   I ran through my neighborhood wearing a lime-green tutu.  I definitely got some odd looks from people, but it didn't phase me like it once would have.  There were moments when I actually laughed at myself - chuckling at my own absurdity.  I didn't care what other people thought of me because I knew my reasons for doing what I was doing were valid and wonderful.     

This song is me talking to myself.  It's the healing Me talking to my broken pieces - to the parts of me who still don't feel deserving of happiness or wholeness.  It's Me learning to love all of myself again - even the pieces that are still so sharp and jagged.  It's me telling myself, "Hey...I know you're hurting.  I know you feel like a failure, but you're not.  You're amazing.  You're a warrior.  After all you've been through, you're fu#%ing perfect."

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated
Misplaced
Misunderstood
Miss no way it's all good
It didn't slow me down.

Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Less than perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
Less than perfect

You're so mean
When you talk
About yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head

Make them like you instead
So complicated
Look how we all make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
meaning


It's enough
I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same

Oh

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me

The whole worlds scared
So I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking
Is an ice cold beer

So cool in line
And we try, try, try
But we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time

Done looking for the critics
Cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans
They don't get my hair

Exchange ourselves
And we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?

Why do I do that?

Yeeeeaaaahhh
Oooooooh
Oh baby pretty please

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me

You're perfect, you're perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me