Run Kenley Run Playlist #3: Fight Song

This song was released in February 2015, two years after Kenley died.   It came out at a time when I had finally shaken off the fog of the early days, had struggled past simple daily survival, and was ready to actually start LIVING again.  But living is harder than it looks.   Living involves more than just getting through the day.  It involves planning ahead and trusting those plans will come true.  It involves enjoying as many moments as you can as they are happening without being constantly distracted by grief.   Living means letting go of pain so you can hold on to something else.

At that time in my life, this song made be believe I could make my way into calmer waters - that I could finally - finally - start being a person again.

2015 was also the year I posted "A Letter to My Doctor" and Kenley's reach started to go global.   The tiny stone I dropped into my own internet pond created ripples across the loss community bigger than I could ever have thought possible, and I am grateful every day to have the opportunity to be heard and to educate.

This song makes me feel powerful.   Even though I am just one person, I can make a difference.   I can make changes in my community and my life with my words and my actions.   I can overcome the constant pull of grief and live a life that has purpose again, even if that purpose is something I'd never imagined it would be.  I can take back my life - my body - my joy.   

"I am not what happened to me.  I am what I choose to become" -Carl Jung

I choose to become myself again.   This is never going to be an easy road.  I'm going to have to work hard and fight to keep myself on track.   That's just the way it is.   But, it's okay.    I've still got a lot of fight left in me. 

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song (Hey!)
Take back my life song (Hey!)
Prove I'm alright song (Hey!)
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong (I'll be strong)
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

No I've still got a lot of fight left in me

The Dragon

I can feel the rumbling.  Deep and guttural.  The Dragon is stirring.  He is shifting in the darkness, stretching his claws.  I have quite literally tried to outrun him, but I know he will catch up to me.  This whole time I have been running, I have known this.  I have felt his hot breath on my neck.  My old scars have ached with remembering.   And the truth is, I can't escape this.  

I feel weak and powerless.  I feel like no matter how hard I try, February will still devour me.  Chew me up and spit me out - again.  

And the anticipation of what's to come makes me want to hide beneath my blankets until March.

The reliving has begun.  The happy memories of pregnancy are tainted with what I know what is to come.   The jokes I made about heartburn.  My attempt at painting my own toenails.  My baby shower.  My maternity photo session.   All counting down to my own personal D-Day.   It all feels so pointless.    Not all the time - just these memories - just these months.   Everything good that happened from now until February 25th feels like blood money.   I paid the ultimate price for those memories and I don't know if they will never not be tainted.  

Today, I am tired.   I am wondering if I will be successful in my attempts to fight the Dragon that I know is coming for me.   I've been polishing my armor and sharpening my sword.  I've been keeping my eyes on the prize, visualizing my victory.   But, as I begin to hear him start to wake, I am terrified it won't be enough.  Already, my armor feels impossibly heavy - my sword awkward and unwieldy.  These last few months have been nothing but preparing for right now, and I am scared he will still overtake me.   Actually, I know he will.  

He will rise from his cave and swoop over me like a thunderstorm.   He will sink his claws into my back, his jaws into my neck.  He will rip into me as I run.   

These next six weeks will be the hardest six weeks of this journey because I have to continue to work just as hard as I have been, but I will have to do it while being shredded by the Dragon.  I will have to drag myself, limping and bleeding, through the rest of my training and across that finish line.  

Tomorrow, I run eleven miles.  And as I run, I will turn my music up to drown out his growls.  He's coming for me, but I won't go down without a fight.  

Run Kenley Run Playlist #2: Compass

I am not the biggest fan of country music.  The Dixie Chicks and Lady Antebellum are pretty much the only two country bands I listen to - and a little bit of old school Garth Brooks once in a while because, hey, who doesn't have friends in low places?  

I found "Compass" while searching for songs to add to my running playlist and it made me cry.   Honestly, a lot of songs do because this is a pretty emotional journey I am purposefully taking, but this one, despite its peppy beat, simply wrecks me everytime.  As my runs increase, and I am out there for a few hours focusing on both my body and why I am making my body do this, it's physically impossible not to cry, especially when this song comes on.   

The road of grief is winding and often very, very dark, and it's easy to get hopelessly lost.   This song talks about your heart being your compass, and following it wherever it may go.  I feel like that is how I have approached this journey from day one - doing whatever my heart needed me to do.  Sometimes, my heart needed me to write.  Sometimes, it needed me to speak out.  Sometimes, it needed me to volunteer.   Now, it needs me to run.   So, I have done all of these things as demanded by my heart, and I truly feel that letting it guide me has been a key part in my healing.   All of these things have helped light the way and have helped me understand the road - and myself - a little better.

No one knows what they are doing when it comes to this journey - whether in grief or just in life -  so we all just find our way the best we can.   

                                       

"Compass" by, Lady Antebellum

Alright

Yeah it's been a bumpy road
Roller coasters
High and low
Fill the tank and drive the car
Pedal fast, pedal hard
You won't have to go that far

You wanna give up 'cause it's dark
We're really not that far apart
So let your heart, sweet heart
Be your compass when you're lost
And you should follow it wherever it may go
When it's all said and done
You can walk instead of run
'Cause no matter what you'll never be alone (never be alone) oh oh oh
Never be alone oh oh oh

Forgot directions on your way
Don't close your eyes don't be afraid
We might be crazy late at night I can't wait til you arrive
Follow stars you'll be alright

You wanna give up 'cause it's dark
We're really not that far apart
So let your heart, sweet heart
Be your compass when you're lost
And you should follow it wherever it may go
When it's all said and done
You can walk instead of run
'Cause no matter what you'll never be alone (never be alone) oh oh oh
Never be alone oh oh oh
You wanna give up 'cause it's dark
We're really not that far apart
So let your heart, sweet heart
Be your compass when you're lost
And you should follow it wherever it may go
When it's all said and done
You can walk instead of run
'Cause no matter what you'll never be alone (never be alone) oh oh oh
Never be alone oh oh oh

When it's all said and done
You can walk instead of run
'Cause no matter what you'll never be alone