A Good Day

Saturday was "Cupcakes to Cherish", a Cherishing the Journey fundraiser I have been helping with for the past several weeks.   I have been putting a great deal of energy into it; writing press releases, securing a few raffle and silent auction items, and other miscellaneous things.  Mike and I arrived at 9:30 to help set up.  We made some signs to put out on the road and helped get the area organized for the event.   When it started, I was in charge of selling the raffle tickets as well as some baseball game tickets for another fundraiser in August.   For the entire afternoon, I was extremely busy selling tickets.   Several friends came by to say hello, which meant so much to me.  I am so honored that they would take time on their own Saturday to come support my efforts and to remember Kenley.  Towards the end of the afternoon, I spoke to the crowd about how much the memory box I received from Cherishing the Journey meant to me.  I was nervous because I thought I would lose it, but I think I held it together fairly well.   I wavered a few times throughout my speech, but I didn't go over the edge.  Mike stood behind me the whole time.   

The day ended with me completely exhausted.   But, I realized something amazing.  I smiled - almost all day long.  Except for the five minutes of my speech, I smiled.   For a good part of the day, I felt like an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  Not permanently, but just for a moment. For a moment, I could breathe again.  For a moment, I could feel the sorrow slipping away from my heart.   For a moment, I felt like I had purpose again.   I felt good about what I was doing with my life.   And I realized something.  I am not beaten.

I am still in charge of where I am going.   My grief may have changed my course, but I can still chose my path from here.   For the past few weeks, I have been having a very difficult time.  The reality and finality of losing Kenley hit hard.   Once the initial shock of loss has worn off, you are left with an eerie silence.  Your heart has stopped its piercing screams, and instead settles into a dull and constant ache - and you begin to painfully realize that you will always battle the heaviness that accompanies loss.  That is a hard pill to swallow.  When you're forced to look down the road at a lifetime of hurt, you want to turn away in disbelief.  You want to throw in the towel and just give up.   What good is a life of pain?  What good am I with such a broken heart?  Saturday made me see that good.   My life is not at all what I want it to be - but since I still have to live it, I might as well live it the best I can.  I might as well bring as much light into it as possible.   Saturday made me realize that life can still be good - in spite of pain.   I can still find a place to put joy inside my broken heart.   It might slip through the cracks, and I might have to consistently monitor it to keep it from falling out - but there is still a place for it there.   

Everything that happens to me from now on is a falling domino from Kenley's death.   I realize this.   I can't change the past.   I wish I could - with every fiber of my broken being, how I wish I could - but I can't.  I'd like to tell you I can control my future, but I am not really even sure about that either.   What I am sure about though, is that I will not let either one of those defeat me.  I am not free of heartbreak.   My past will always hurt.  My future might have more pain tucked up its sleeve.  I don't know.  None of us know.   The only thing we know is that we are guaranteed nothing in this life.   But instead of allowing things to happen to me, I can choose to make them happen for me.

Working at Cupcakes to Cherish this weekend helped me to see the good that can be accomplished as a direct result of great sadness.   It helped me to see that I am stronger than my sorrow.   I will have bad days. For the rest of my life,  darkness and light will come and go.  For the rest of my life, I will have moments that bring me to my knees with a sucker punch of blinding pain.   I will have moments that open up old wounds, letting the blood flow freely from my heart.  I will have moments that make me feel like I have been beaten, like I have nothing left inside of me but razor sharp shards of a fractured soul.  For the rest of my life, I will fight this.   And, while it seems so daunting sometimes, other times it seems like a fight I can win.   And as long as I keep fighting - as long as I keep pulling my bloodied and broken self up onto the ropes - as long as I keep getting back on my feet - I will win.   I am not beaten.  I'm just catching my breath.

Saturday Spotlight #7

Let's see...what have I been doing this week?   

Well, not too many tangible things, but I have still been working hard.  I've been trying to get the word out to as many people as possible about the movie Return to Zero.  I've been sharing my blog post, and as of this exact moment, it has 982 views!  Hopefully, all 982 of those people signed the pledge to see the movie.  If you haven't yet - what are you waiting for?   We have until June 20th to prove to Hollywood that there is an audience for this movie and people will see it!   If you haven't shared the post with your Facebook people, do that too!   I can't do this alone and I appreciate each and every person willing to help!

I have recently become an administrator on the Cherishing the Journey Facebook page.  I am working hard to promote their upcoming event on July 13th - Cupcakes to Cherish.   I am also in the process of organizing a fundraiser supported by the Brevard County Manatees.   Cherishing the Journey is sponsoring a baseball game on August 24th.   I'm working on organizing ticket sales and promoting that event as well.   You can check out that event here.  With each $7 ticket, Cherishing the Journey will get $4.   Feel free to hit up their Facebook page and share both events with your friends!   The box I received from them brought me such comfort when Kenley died.  Because of this charity, I have a plaster foot and hand print of my little girl.  I have a lock of her hair and pictures of her.   I have the outfit she wore in those pictures.  Without this organization, I would only have a fading memory of my daughter.   They are such a worthy cause trying to bring peace in times of pain.  Please help me support them!  

Also, Mike and I have been cleaning like mad!   His dad is coming tomorrow and has never seen our house because he lives so far away from us.  We also have some of his friends staying with us Monday night, so we are getting things in order.   We organized our closet (super scary!).  We did seventeen million loads of laundry.   We de-cluttered the office.  And we have been to Goodwill twice.   We have another load to take in a little bit.  I did a deep clean of the house last summer in preparation of getting pregnant, but it is amazing what you can collect in a year's time!  

In my cleaning endeavor, I found a bag of Barnie's Santa's White Christmas coffee.   What do you think my first thought of what to do with this treasure was?  Yep - bake cupcakes!   I tweaked a white chocolate cupcake recipe and added some coconut and caramel flavors.   For the icing, I made white chocolate icing but used brewed coffee to smooth it out as opposed to milk.   While I am not entirely happy with the slightly grainy texture of the cake, the frosting came out delightful.   I don't have pictures of them because they have not reached their final form.  I'm going to keep working on this recipe until I am happy with it.   

That pretty much sums up the week I've had.  Staying busy to stay alive.  It's what we all learn how to do.  

Breaking the Silence

There is a cloud that surrounds infant loss, blocking it from the mainstream's view.  It is a cloud of uneasiness, fear, and uncertainty.  If you aren't a part of this sad community, you can't fully understand what it is like to be, and you realize you'd never want to.  We don't want you to either, but what we do want is to be heard.   Our children do not have a voice, so we speak for them, and we want you to listen.   

Until recently, I never thought about the fact that babies die.  I knew of women who had miscarriages, but I didn't really stop to think about what that meant, how much that must have hurt.   I never thought about the emotional roller coaster a family goes through when they lose their child.  About the strain it puts on all of their relationships.  About how much they want to scream out in anguish, reaching with outstretched fingers just for a speck of understanding.   Of recognition of their pain, of support in their journey.   

Think about this:  how many times do you see a Facebook post calling for prayers or support for someone with cancer or another disease?  How many times is it shared, liked, or commented on?   How many posts plead for help with abandoned animals?  How many posts share the pride and service of our nation's soldiers and call for your support?   You probably see two to three of these types of posts a day.  Maybe you share it.  Maybe you like it or comment on it.   Maybe you even visit the website in the link.  All of these are wonderful causes and should be supported and shared.  Please, keep doing it.  

Now, think, before this happened to me and I began sharing my blog and links with you, how many times did you see a post on infant loss?   A website to support grieving families?   A link to a Wall of Remembrance for children lost to still birth or miscarriage?   How many 5Ks did you attend that raised awareness of SIDS?   It's probably safe to guess that the answer to all of those questions is slim to none.   That's because no one talks about it.  No one outside of the baby loss community, at least.   If you go to your search bar on Facebook right now and type in any sort of related keyword, you will find hundreds of pages set up for these types of things - most of them administered by a brokenhearted parent who is just trying to be heard.   When you tell someone your child has cancer, banners fly into the air, fists are raised, shared statuses fly through the internet at lightning speed.  It's a fanfare for salvation.   When you tell someone your child was stillborn, people shy away in silence.  A few people will quietly tell you it happened to a friend of a friend too.   But, that's about it.  A few people have shared my links when I post about a charity I am trying to help or a website I have found that offers support, but not many.  

 Babies dying makes people uncomfortable.  While I admit, it is not the most cheerful of topics, that doesn't make it any less worthy.  Women affected by infant loss deserve to be heard in the same fashion as women affected by breast cancer.  According to the National Cancer Institute, 12.5% of women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime.  According to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Information, 32% of pregnant women will experience loss.  That does not include the children lost to SIDS or other issues after birth.  That's a staggering amount of women.   Women whose pain isn't talked about or acknowledged in the same way as others.  We are still fighting for our lives, just not in the same way, and we need just as much support by our society.  

I have unwillingly joined this community at a very pivotal time.  Two films are being made as you read this to help bring this issue to the forefront.  The first is The STILL project, which is a documentary about infant loss.   The second is a major motion picture called Return to Zero.  This movie, starring Minnie Driver and Alfred Molina, is based on the true story of its writer and producer, Sean Hanish.  It tells of the journey of one couple as they face the storm of losing their child and how they cope with that loss.  It is the first movie ever to be made with still birth as the main focus.  Because it is an independently funded movie, its advertising budget is nil, which means very few people will know about it and even less will actually see it.  There is even a chance Hollywood won't release it (even on DVD) if it doesn't feel that there is a willing audience.   But, not if I can help it.

This is where you come in.  Stand with me to help break the silence surrounding this issue.  Help me give my community a voice.  Help us be heard by everyone - not just the people who know and love us.  The first step is easy.  Click on this link and sign the pledge to see Return to Zero when it comes out in theaters.   When it asks for your Local Leader, type in my name. As a Local Leader, I will continue to promote this film in my community until its release.  (It will ask for your email address.  Don't get squirmy.  You have a "junk" account, I know you do.  It's just to keep track of actual pledges.)   The second step is a little more difficult.  Share my blog post or the link to the pledge form with your friends.  A few days later, share it again.   And again.  And again.  Share it until the movie comes out next Spring.  Don't let people forget.   If you find yourself thinking, "Oh, what if people don't want to see this kind of thing in their newsfeed?" then you have hit the nail on the head as to why we have to share it.

Click here to see a few clips from the movie and interviews with the actors and writer.

I know this movie will be difficult for you to see.  But, think about how much more difficult it will be for that 32% of women to see it.   I am one of those women.   I have made friends with some of those women.  We are everywhere.   There are far too many of us for silence to be even remotely acceptable.  Be a part of something big.   Be a part of breaking the silence.  
You might as well do it now...I'm not going to shut up any time soon.  I promise.  

Saturday Spotlight

In an effort to introduce more positivity into my life, I am going to try to dedicate one post a week to happy thoughts.   Maybe something that brought me peace this week.  Maybe something I enjoyed doing.  Just something that is focused on the good in my life.  I'll post these on Saturdays for no real reason other than Saturdays are fun!

This week, I was able to volunteer with Cherishing the Journey, the charity that provided the Memory Box to me at the hospital.   I have been following them on Facebook for the last several weeks.   Jennifer, the founder, helped to set me up with a Mentor Mom who I can just meet and chat with.   Through Jennifer and the facebook page, I knew they were putting together boxes this week and I wanted to help.   It was just something I had to do.   It meant so much to me to receive mine, I wanted to be a part of bringing some sort of comfort to another woman in her darkest hour.  I wanted to be a part of her knowing that she is not alone and that people care about her and her journey.

In the span of three hours, we assembled 24 boxes, 12 "girl" boxes and 12 "boy" boxes.  The main difference between the two is the design on the outside of the boxes and the colors of the ribbons used inside.  I tied colored ribbon onto clay disks that would later hold the footprint of someone's angel.  I worked on organizing the poems and balloons that suggest a healing balloon release to the grieving family.  I also made tiny beaded bracelets to wrap around the wrist of the teddy bear inside the box, which can then be placed on the baby's wrist for pictures if desired.   The most healing moment for me though was this one: 

At the time of Kenley's death, many friends and family members donated to Cherishing the Journey.   Each box costs about 50 dollars to assemble.  My people were able to raise enough to donate 10 boxes.   I wrote out ten of these cards and placed one in ten boxes.   The first three cards were tough to get through.  I had to pause often while writing to collect myself.  But then, it got easier.  I was remembering my baby girl and doing good in her name.  My heart felt a little lighter - even for just a few moments.  

I met some very wonderful women as well.  All of them Mothers of Loss.  All of them hurt but carrying on.  We shared our stories and showed each other pictures of our babies.   Again, it's a sisterhood I never wanted to be a part of, yet am still so grateful it exists.  We walk hand in hand and lean on each other's shoulders. 

I will continue to volunteer with this charity whenever I can.   I know being a part of this will help me heal, and I believe in the great purpose of their endeavors.  

Happy Saturday!

Thinking of Boston

The recent horrific events in Boston have brought to mind a few comments I have heard from people throughout the last several years.  Comments that run along the lines of "I don't know if I want to bring children into this world".  While I can understand that people may not want to have to explain to their children why parts of our world are the way they are, allow me to present a counter argument.   In the words of Whitney Houston.  (yeah...sorry)

But, seriously, what would be the point of not bringing children into the world?   So that they don't have to grow up in a world of hate and violence?  The world has always been full of that.  Always. From the beginning of time, humans fought with each other over belongings, boundaries, and beliefs from local spats to global wars. You may think that it has gotten worse over the last few years, and you may or may not be right, but the only way to counteract the bad in our world is to introduce more good.   Children are good.   They are the seed in the soil - everything we want to be before we can be it.   They are the hopes and the dreams of all that is possible.   But, they can't do it alone.  They need our help to teach them and support them.  Children, most of the time, do what they are taught to do.  If we teach them to hate and hurt, then that is exactly what they do.   However, if we teach them how to love, then they'll do that too. 

I know I am being overly optimistic.  I recognize the stars in my eyes.  I know the problems of the world can't be solved by giving all of our children hugs.  But then, I think of all of our times of tragedy as a nation that I can remember.  Oklahoma City, Columbine, 9/11, Virginia Tech, Newtown, Boston. All of these were senseless acts of violence committed by disturbed people.   None were warranted, all were tragic.  What happened in the face of these tragedies, however, was anything but tragic.  Every single time, people stepped forward to help, both immediately and after the fact.  They banded together to pick up the pieces and help everyone carry on.  Countless resources and hours of volunteer time were given freely and without question. Words of encouragement and support flew from every corner of our country - and even the world.  I admit, it is sad that it takes a disaster to make this happen, but the point is it does happen.  Human beings are inherently good.  When it comes down to brass tacks, we step up for our fellow man.   And that is worth celebrating.  

To return to the main point of what I am trying to say, if we continue to teach our children to love, then they will teach theirs the same.  And, yes, there will always be those rotten apples thrown into the mix that force us to reassess what we are doing, but we can't let that stop us from trying to make our corner of the world a better place.  We do that through our words, our actions, our teachings.  We not only teach our children how to be a good citizen, we show them how.   We show them how to love despite differences and triumph despite obstacles.  Proof of this happening is in our reaction to the foulness around us.  I would bet you money if you looked at every single person who rushed to help at any sort of emergency situation, anyone who assisted with the aftermath, or anyone to simply sent their support, you'd discover someone in their life who taught them the importance of doing so.  

I hope one day to be able to have this responsibility - this honor - of teaching my children how to be decent human beings.   I hope one day, they take that decency within them and shine it up into something spectacular.   We are who we are taught to be.  Don't be afraid to bring up children in our world.  Be afraid not to.

Kenley's Krew: A Charity Case

First of all, this blog post is inspired by and dedicated to my dear friend Tracey, who has been extremely diligent in helping to raise funds for us to cover our medical expenses through Youcaring.com.   She couldn't stand the fact that we would still have bills to pay after not being able to bring Kenley home, and so she started a fundraising page to help us out.  So far, over 44 people have donated various amounts to us, bringing the grand total to date to $2,709.   While our bills are still more than that, it is a huge burden off our shoulders, and we are eternally grateful to her efforts - and to all of the people who selflessly donated on our behalf.  In one of her recent updates, she mentioned that a foundation should be started to help families who have experienced loss to pay their bills.   I completely agree.  It is not fair to lose your child and then actually pay a hospital for the time you spent there.  After all, these families don't get to bring their baby home.  They don't get to hear their child's laughter.  They don't get to breathe in their wonderful baby scent.  They just get wheeled out of the doors, empty handed and broken hearted.  And then, they get to spend the next few weeks on pins and needles, anticipating the first dreaded bill.  The bill that twists the knife even deeper.  I actually received one of those bills today.  I opened the envelope, full well knowing what it was, but still feeling like I'd been punched in the face.  My daughter is dead, and yet the bills keep coming.  Fortunately for me, I have a wonderfully generous support system.  However, not everyone does.   Not everyone is as lucky as I am.   And some women and their babies have far more complications in the hospital, leading to a more prolonged ordeal and an even higher bill.   I don't know what I can really do to help these families, but I know I want to at least try.  So, here's how I want to start:

If you have any ideas of how to create a charity of this sort, how to manage it, how to get it off the ground, who to contact, where to start researching, etc., please leave me a comment at the end of this post.  Emails can be sent to KenleyNinja@gmail.com.  (Please do not comment on Facebook.  I only liked there today because I wanted to get this idea to as many people as possible)   All advice and assistance is welcome.  

Please share this post with anyone whom you think may be able to give me a hand in brainstorming or organizing ideas. (via facebook or any other means you think might help)  I don't know what this entails, or even if I have what it takes to make it happen, but it doesn't hurt to ask.   Thanks for your support! Maybe we will help just one local family.  Maybe more.  Who knows?  

Kenley's Krew Update

This morning was "Florida cold", which means it was below 60 - but it warmed up nicely!   When Mike and I arrived at the 5K, my parents and friend Katie were already there.   Over the course of the next half hour, many great friends from work showed up with their shirts on, braving the "cold" and the early morning darkness, and ready to run!   It was so wonderful seeing everyone again - especially those whom I hadn't seen since I left work so unexpectedly that terrible Monday.   Every person brought a hug - every hug brought a smile.   My heart was light and happy knowing that so many people were there because they care about me and Mike - and Kenley.

The course was two laps around the park.   Mike and I set up chairs at the finish line and cheered for everyone who passed - especially those in the teal shirts!   It was a good morning to be out in the world.   Because this 5K was to raise money for fetal care, there were so many children and babies there, but that didn't bother me.  Not today.

After the main race, all of the children were given a pink balloon.   The kids ran from one section of the park to the finish line, where they each released their balloon.   I know they were to honor Brianna Marie, but in my heart, they were also for Kenley.  They were for all babies lost too soon.  Today, the sky was filled with pink balloons.   As I watched the balloons begin to rise, someone handed me a string.   A pink balloon specifically for my baby.   Guess what happened when I let that string go?  Kenley's balloon rose higher and faster than the others - even the ones that had a several second head start.   Her balloon whisked to the side, away from the group, and went on its own path in the sky.   Again.  She did it again.   I am a proud momma today - and for all days.   What a great birthday - spent with good friends who all came together to honor a baby they never met.   My beautiful, wonderful, and obviously independent, Kenley Evelyn.   As long as I'm living, my baby she'll be.  

                                  Kalah and Renee - smiling and walking

                                Kelly and Casey - the T-shirt designers!

                                                   

                               Susie and Tonia - pumped up and doing great!

               My mom and Katie's son Jay - both placed in their age divison!

                                            The Entire Krew

                                       The Pink Balloons!

                          Getting ready to release Kenley's balloon

                         

                                                 A sky full of pink balloons

                 There she goes - the other way - my independent daughter!

Kenley's Krew

Today is my birthday.   I have completed one more year of life - but let's not talk about how many that makes.   A few months ago, I thought this would be the best birthday of my life.   I'd either be immensely pregnant and ready to pop at any minute - or I'd be holding my baby already and we'd be celebrating together.   I never even considered there'd be a third option.  No one does.

It doesn't seem fair that I get another birthday and Kenley didn't really even get one.  On the same day I celebrate my life, I mourn the loss of hers.  But, really, I do that every day.  Every day, I am alive and she is not.

Today, in honor of my baby girl, several friends of mine, along with my amazing mom, are running a 5K in Melbourne.   This 5K benefits the Brianna Marie Foundation, which was founded by a local mother who's daughter died 15 hours after birth due to fetal hydrops.   This 5K was promoted on the Cherishing the Journey Facebook page, which is how I found out about it.   I shared the link with my friends and they all jumped on it.   They had turquoise T-shirts made - an owl in a tree with the phrase "Kenley's Krew:  February 25, 2013"   Mike and I got shirts too, and so now we are heading down there to cheer them on at the finish line.   It really means a great deal to me that I have such a supportive group of friends - and that together we are helping fund research that may one day prevent other mothers from feeling such a devastating loss.   

In her heartbreakingly short life, Kenley has managed to touch so many people.   I am grateful for the time I spent with her.  I am grateful for the joy she gave me and for what I am able to do because of her.  Under the circumstances, I can't think of a better way to celebrate my birthday.

This one's for you, Little Ninja!

Cherishing the Journey

I have been overwhelmed by the huge and sudden following of my blog.   I had no idea that my random thoughts and jagged emotions would speak to so many.  First, I must extend my thanks to everyone for their continued support and kind words.  It means a great deal to me that Mike and I are not traveling this road alone.  Second, I must use this blog's popularity for my shameless promotion of a charity close to my heart.  Cherishing the Journey is an organization based in Melbourne, Florida.  They deal with supporting families who have experienced infant loss.

When I was being prepped for surgery, my nurse asked me a strange question.   She said " Now, you are going to say no, but I am going to do it anyway...do you want us to take any pictures of Kenley?"   The initial shock of that question prompted the answer she expected.  No, of course not!   How strange is that to take pictures of my child under these circumstances.   She smiled at me and said "Ok, but I want you to know I am going to do it anyway."   At that time, I was too distressed to continue to even think about it anymore.   However, later, I was so very grateful to her for those pictures.  They are all I have to remember her beautiful face.

Mothers who lose a baby at the hospitals in our county are given a Memory Box, provided by Cherishing the Journey.   My box has come to mean the world to me because it contains the only mementos I have to remember and honor my daughter.   Some of the items my box included were:  a small photo album with her pictures, the outfit they placed her in for the photos, a teddy bear, a paper of blessing with her footprints, a few locks of her hair, a framed plaster imprint of her hand print and foot print, and a few other miscellaneous items like a candle and a book of inspirational quotes.  There were also a few pamphlets on grief counseling and the book "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart", which helps people deal with the loss of a child.   

The items are purchased with funds raised by Cherishing the Journey and the boxes are assembled and delivered to hospitals by volunteers,  mostly mothers of loss themselves.   I have already contacted this charity to give them my thanks and I plan on helping them assemble boxes this summer.

If you are a giving soul - and I am sure that you are since you are following this blog - please consider giving something to Cherishing the Journey.   You can find their website by clicking here.   It doesn't have to be money.  If you are local, come volunteer with me.   If you are not, just visit their website and share their mission with others, or follow them on Facebook.   In addition to the boxes, they also offer mental and financial support for grieving families.   

This charity is important to me because they gave me what no one else could.  A way to bring my daughter home.