Worn Out

I scheduled posts through yesterday because I figured, surely I'll have some time before Friday to get something written.  I am exhausted.  Mentally and physically.   I have been running all over this nation for the last month and I need a nap.  

While I have had a wonderful time seeing friends and family, I also have been very painfully aware that none of these trips should have occurred.  Instead of traipsing through Seattle, I should have been nursing my baby.   Instead of taking a ghost tour in New Orleans, I should have been changing her diapers. And, instead of eating delicious lobster with my sister in Boston, I should have been rocking Kenley to sleep.  It is so hard to reconcile the life I am leading with the life I should have had.  How can I enjoy anything when it comes to me so tainted?  

I am tired of feeling I have to justify my actions to myself.  I am tired of living a life that shouldn't be mine - yet so cruelly is.  

I'll get there.  I am sure one day, way down this twisting path, there is a point where the life that has been forced upon me is the one I finally have made my own.   But, not yet.  Not today.  I still wake up every day with a feeling in my gut that this is not supposed to be the way it is.   I still feel empty and incomplete.  My eyes focus on a world where I don't belong - and I ache everyday to return to the one where I do.   This is not my life.

Keeping it Casual

The other day, I was browsing in Things Remembered, and the saleslady complimented me on my owl necklace.  And it just came out.  I told her exactly why I wore that necklace.  I told her how it reminds me of Kenley and that I have many that I rotate through day to day.   And guess what?  Neither of us cried - and both of us are still alive.   She said she was sorry for my loss and then she told me that she was glad I was able to find ways to remember my daughter.  

Here's the thing:

I am going to bring up my daughter in casual conversation. I am going to talk about being pregnant.  I am going to talk about things I am doing as a result of her death.   It is going to happen.  

If we are talking about vacation, I am going to tell you about my trips and how I took pictures of her K.   If the conversation swings over to the fact that eating red sauce gives you heartburn, I am going to mention that I took Prilosec the last trimester so I didn't feel like a fire-breathing dragon all the time.  I will tell you about the charities I am helping with because it is healing for me.  I will tell you about the women I have met through my blog.  I am going to talk about her and all the change her brief existence brought into my life. 

It is not to make you uncomfortable.  It is not to bring attention to myself or to make you feel sorry for me.  It is simply because she is a part of my life and talking about parts of your life is a part of basic human interaction.  The fact that she is dead should not change what I am allowed to say about her or how I am allowed to communicate with others.  

If I start to cry, which might happen depending on the topic and my mood,  don't fret.  Don't try to make me feel better.  Don't hush-hush and there-there me.   I am crying because this is often very overwhelming, and sometimes I just can't help it.  Sometimes, the tears come out of nowhere, and I don't even know it's going to happen until it does.  I don't want to cry in front of you, but I have gotten used to being taken over by tears, and I'll get myself under control fairly quickly. 

Kenley is a part of my daily life.  End of story.  Sometimes that fact brings me heartache and sometimes it brings me joy, but either way, she is not going anywhere.  She will be talked about.  I think that sometimes catches people off-guard - so I am warning you all now.   If you can't handle that, then don't talk to me.  But, really - if I can handle it, then you surely can.  

Kenley's Playlist #10

Find Your Grail

If you have not seen Monty Python's Spamalot on Broadway (or off), you are truly missing out.   It is a hilarious show.  I first saw this musical in NYC with my sister a few years ago and laughed so hard I cried.  I saw it a second time when it passed through Melbourne when Mike and I first started dating.  Again, it did not disappoint.   In this song, the Lady of the Lake is singing to King Arthur and his men in their quest to find the Holy Grail.   From the first time I saw the musical, this song made me think of finding your passion in life.   No matter what you do with yourself, find what makes you happy and do it.   That's your grail.  For theatrical and comedic purposes, she gets very showboaty while she sings.  Enjoy.