International Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day.   You can read more about this day by clicking here.  

You have probably already seen "Kenley Around the World", and you may have even contributed a picture.  A few weeks ago, I signed up for a Mother's Day Name Event where I create children's names and take a picture to send to their mothers.  In return, I will receive pictures of Kenley's name.   All mothers participating have until the end of May to submit their pictures. 

At first, I wasn't sure how I wanted to complete these names, but I knew I wanted them to be meaningful.   I had the idea to use helium balloons since balloons are significant to me and symbolize Kenley's free and independent spirit.  I talked my wonderful photographer friend Jeanee into helping me out in her studio. All I had to do was bake her a batch of Kahlua brownies.  What a deal!    Creating these pictures presented many problems, but the two of us together were great problem solvers!    They kept twisting and turning and running into each other, causing pictures of names with missing letters. After a great deal of brain storming and even more maneuvering, we finally got it right. We rigged up a base and tied the balloons to them.  Then, we took a tiny piece of tape and stuck each balloon to the next to keep them from moving too much.   I added a pink balloon to the bunch to symbolize my little ninja.  The results were wonderful.

Before you scroll down to the pictures, let me tell you why they are so important to us.  A mother of loss only had a very small amount of time with her baby.  Some may have had no time whatsoever.  We have little or no memories of our child alive outside of our body.  While other children's growth and change can be captured on film, ours cannot.  We cannot celebrate birthdays.  We cannot send them off to their first day of school.  We cannot take them to the mall because they've outgrown most of their clothes - for the third time this month.  These name pictures are our way of keeping our baby's memory alive.   They are our way of having more than just the precious few photos the hospital may have taken before our baby was whisked away forever.  They are our way of watching our child grow and be a part of the world - the world beyond us and our own small circle.   They are our way to remember our babies and to make sure that other people remember them too.  After all, we are proud moms just like any other.   We want our children to be known.   We want people to recognize their worth and importance.  We want the world to know that we had a baby and they were wonderful!  We aren't "almost" mothers.  We aren't "used to be" mothers.  We aren't "maybe next time" mothers.  We are mothers.  All of us.  All the time.  The only difference between our child and yours is that you can hold your child in your arms and we hold ours only in our heart.    It's a good thing our hearts are big enough for such an enormous love.

Please take a moment to scroll through these pictures.   Read the names.  Remember these precious children.  Honor their strong as steel mothers by recognizing them for who they are.  Today and for always.

Megan's daughter

Danielle's son

Catherine's son

Kelly's son

Shauna's daughter

Katy's daughter

Crystal's daughter

Harmony's son

Jaimee's daughter

Naomi's son

Cassie's son

Colleen's son

Leah's daughter

My little ninja.  Always and forever.

  

Saturday Spotlight #2

The second installment in my Saturday Spotlight series is something I've been holding onto for a while, waiting for the right type of post.  These Saturday posts are just the right venue to showcase my projects without taking away from the rest of the blog.

I've finished another art project.   This one took me a few weeks, mainly due to acquiring materials and then drying time.   I have a great friend who is artsy-fartsy like me and we have been getting together every now and then to make things.   It's been wonderful not only to spend time with her, but also to  put my energy into making something meaningful.

The first session together, I texturized a square canvas.   I wasn't really sure how I wanted to do it because I really had no idea what I was creating at that time.  I just glopped on the Fredrix gel all over the canvas, making twirls and swirls and jagged lines with the white goop.   It was super fun!  Eventually, I settled into a pattern I liked.  After drying it with a hairdryer - and short circuiting the lighting to her studio a few times - it was ready for paint.   I used a watered down golden glaze and with some mahogany colored streaks of acrylic paint.   So, then, my canvas looked like the section of a tree.  Well, a gold tree.

I really had no idea where I was going from there.  I have found that artists do one of two things - either create their vision or envision their creation.  I'm the latter type.   Mostly because if I actually have a vision to begin with, it is almost always something else entirely when it is finished.  I take it as it comes.   So, for about two weeks, this "tree" canvas sat in my house while I figured out what I was going to do with it.

Then, I knew.  I scanned a picture of Kenley's feet and "antiqued" it in a photoshop type application.   I printed a 5 x 7 photo and cut the feet out carefully.   I also had a black and white photo of Mike and I walking on the Cocoa Village pier, so I carefully cut us out of that picture.   For years, I had ideas to use tissue paper to create a mosaic of sorts on my kitchen table with modge podge.   That never came to fruition, but as a result of that intention, I have collected copious amounts of tissue paper.  I layered the tissue paper along the bottom of the canvas to create a "ground" for Mike and I to walk on.  In the air, I created a pink tissue paper balloon.  I placed Kenley's feet inside the balloon and then connected it to us with a loop of twine.  At our wedding, we used antiqued keys as seat assignments, so I strung one of those keys through the twine as a symbol of our bond together as it connects to Kenley.   Although I didn't know where I was going with any of this project, I am still pretty pleased with how it turned out.   It's hanging in my living room.

  

Obviously, there is also an owl there!

D-Day: Remembering Joy

Getting out of bed today was more difficult that I thought it would be.  I wanted today to be a celebration of her life, but I didn't feel too much like celebrating.  It's hard to find happiness when a piece of your heart is missing.  Once I pulled myself together, I got dressed and ready to go to the park.  While I dressed, I sang Baby Beluga.   I used to sing it to Kenley all the time.  Whenever I did, she'd flip around and kick me like crazy.  She loved it.  Today, I alternated between singing and crying, but I got through it, and I felt better.

Mike and I took a picnic lunch to the tree.  We brought a pink balloon and some other items to take pictures.  Then, we released the balloon.   I took video of the balloon release, but the computer is being finicky and not allowing us to view it.  After working out the technical difficulties, I'll post it later.  Since we only released one, there was no pack for her to break away from, but she soared high and true as usual.  The day was bright and clear, but the wind was fairly strong and whisked her away from us.  Here are the photos of our trip today.  

                   A friend of mine gave me this figurine.  It's very fitting.

                              Obviously, we must place an owl in the tree!

                                 Look at her, already trying to get away!

                                    My baby next to the playground.  :)

                               It was so windy, I had to hold the balloon in my hand.

        The balloon reads: " Always and Forever.  We love you little ninja!"

                Mike enjoyed playing with the panoramic feature of the camera.

  

Someone must have placed these flowers here.  Whoever you are, thank you!

It's been a month since she left us, and although my heart is still quite broken, finding purpose and meaning in every day helps me slowly and carefully patch it back together.  Today's purpose was to find joy in her life and to remember the joy she brought us.  Mission accomplished.   

Kenley's Krew Update

This morning was "Florida cold", which means it was below 60 - but it warmed up nicely!   When Mike and I arrived at the 5K, my parents and friend Katie were already there.   Over the course of the next half hour, many great friends from work showed up with their shirts on, braving the "cold" and the early morning darkness, and ready to run!   It was so wonderful seeing everyone again - especially those whom I hadn't seen since I left work so unexpectedly that terrible Monday.   Every person brought a hug - every hug brought a smile.   My heart was light and happy knowing that so many people were there because they care about me and Mike - and Kenley.

The course was two laps around the park.   Mike and I set up chairs at the finish line and cheered for everyone who passed - especially those in the teal shirts!   It was a good morning to be out in the world.   Because this 5K was to raise money for fetal care, there were so many children and babies there, but that didn't bother me.  Not today.

After the main race, all of the children were given a pink balloon.   The kids ran from one section of the park to the finish line, where they each released their balloon.   I know they were to honor Brianna Marie, but in my heart, they were also for Kenley.  They were for all babies lost too soon.  Today, the sky was filled with pink balloons.   As I watched the balloons begin to rise, someone handed me a string.   A pink balloon specifically for my baby.   Guess what happened when I let that string go?  Kenley's balloon rose higher and faster than the others - even the ones that had a several second head start.   Her balloon whisked to the side, away from the group, and went on its own path in the sky.   Again.  She did it again.   I am a proud momma today - and for all days.   What a great birthday - spent with good friends who all came together to honor a baby they never met.   My beautiful, wonderful, and obviously independent, Kenley Evelyn.   As long as I'm living, my baby she'll be.  

                                  Kalah and Renee - smiling and walking

                                Kelly and Casey - the T-shirt designers!

                                                   

                               Susie and Tonia - pumped up and doing great!

               My mom and Katie's son Jay - both placed in their age divison!

                                            The Entire Krew

                                       The Pink Balloons!

                          Getting ready to release Kenley's balloon

                         

                                                 A sky full of pink balloons

                 There she goes - the other way - my independent daughter!

One Pink Balloon

For anyone wondering about the title of the blog, it stems from the memorial service we had for Kenley on Saturday.   My sister had the brilliant idea to plant and dedicate a tree in her honor at a local park.  My family and close friends snapped into action and sliced through the red tape to make it happen as quickly as possible.

Saturday was, fittingly, the coldest day of the week.  In bright and sunny central Florida, it was a shocking 60 degrees.   An overwhelming amount of friends and family showed up at the park to express their love and support for me, Mike, and our sweet Kenley.  We gathered under the picnic pavilion to say a few words.  My mom wrote a poem.  My sister read a few words.  My dad had a short speech prepared.  My friend Kerri shared a quote.   I'll post what I wrote to say goodbye at another time.

After everyone spoke, we all moved over to her tree.  A Live Oak sapling with a strong and sturdy trunk.   My friend Chrissy had selected a bunch of balloons and tied them all together.  Green and blue ones for my favorite colors, two white ones to represent Mike and myself, and one pink balloon to represent Kenley Evelyn.   All of them bound together in one firm knot.   I set my Ipad to play "Across the Universe", kissed my darling pink balloon goodbye, and Mike and I let the bunch go.   The cold wind picked them up immediately and they were whisked away.  As we watched, somehow, the pink balloon broke away from the others.   It lifted higher and higher.  The big bunch hit a group of trees and faltered a little bit before continuing to rise, but the one pink balloon never slowed.  It was alone and unfettered.  It seemed to me as if my baby was saying "I'm fine on my own, mom.  I'll be okay."   I watched the balloons until they were tiny specks, and then they were gone.   All the while, the One Pink Balloon soared above and beyond the others.   Just like my baby.  My beautiful Kenley.   Too good for this world, she had to float away.