A Day with The Mouse

Our usual birthday tradition has been family photos at Kenley's tree.   However, a few weeks before Kenley's birthday, my wonderful friend who takes our pictures told me of a family matter that would take her away to the west coast during that time.   At first, I completely panicked.  I couldn't have nothing to do that day.   I couldn't just let that day pass without something special happening.  What was I going to do?   After talking to a few friends, I started mulling over the idea about going to The Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World.   I had been thinking of getting myself an annual pass anyway to take Piper on the weekends and it would be kind of nice to get some photos of the K in front of the castle.   The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a good idea.  What three year old wouldn't love a trip to Disney?

I knew I had to sell the idea to Mike.  He hates crowds and lines and tourists.   Good thing Disney has none of those, right?   When I brought it up though, he went along with it right away.  I think by now he has realized when it comes to me wanting to do things relating to Kenley, it's best to just let it happen. An emotional wife (especially mid-February) isn't something he wants to mess with.   So - Disney it is!

As her birthday got closer, I found myself looking forward to it, which was a nice change from the horrible dread that had hung over me for most of the month.    I started thinking about where I wanted to get K pictures and planning the rides Piper would also like.   I was thinking about her birthday with a little bit of excitement in my heart - and that was amazing.   Honestly, the only thing that got me through those last few days before her birthday was the knowledge that soon we would be going to Disney World.  I clung to those plans for dear life.  They were my bouy in an angry ocean.

Kenley's birthday dawned clear and cold.  Piper let us sleep until almost 8.  (Granted, she was sprawled out in our bed, forming the extra long middle of a capital H, but still....8 am!)  I fed her a breakfast of an Eggo waffles and some raspberries and dressed her in a long sleeved tunic dotted with silver stars - in honor of her big sister.    Just as we were about to walk out the door, Piper's belly decided the waffles and raspberries were no longer welcome, and she promptly threw up all over her outfit.   As I changed her clothes, I worried that my rainbow was sick and we would have to change our plans - which filled me with such conflict I couldn't think straight.  She was acting fine, so Mike and I decided that we'd get her in the car and see how the ride treated her.    Worst case scenerio, we'd just come home.  However, just as we drove into the stretch of highway that included no turnaournds until Disney World, she threw up again - all over her second outfit and her carseat.  Twisting in my seatbelt, I cleaned her up as best I could, gave her some water, and she fell asleep.  There was nothing we could do at this point.  We would have to make a final decision in the parking lot.  Obviously, I wasn't going to sacrifice the health of my living child for the memory of my other, but my heart was torn because I had pinned my hopes on this day being such a great day.  I didn't know how I would handlle having to go home.

When we pulled into the parking lot, I woke up Piper from her nap - and she was great.   She woke up smiling and happy and refreshed.   Whatever the issue was had gone.  Maybe it was just a bad berry.   Maybe it was Disney Magic.  We changed her once again, crossed our fingers because that was our last set of extra clothes, and headed towards the ticket counter.   Even though it was close to ten o'clock, we still parked within the first ten rows, which meant the park wasn't nearly as crowded as I had expected it to be.    We bought our tickets, used the Disney World App to secure our fastpasses, and headed to the monorail.   Piper called it a train and we told her it was a monorail, so for the 10 minutes we waited to board, we got to hear "I ride mon-rail!  Mon-rail right there!"   I could hear a peppiness in her voice that meant she wasn't feeling sick at all - and I was getting so excited to have a family day with The Mouse.  This day was going to be great.

I took my first K picture at the gates of the Magic Kingdom.   I tried getting as many pictures as I could, but with an excited toddler, a crowd-hating husband, and a K going in an out of a backpack, I didn't always have the ability to get a good shot.  Also, most of my pictures this day aren't the best quality.  You try taking iPhone photos of a K with an almost -two year old tugging at you in a crowd of ten thousand people!  You're going to get some blur!   No matter the quality, it felt good to take my Ninja to the Happiest Place on Earth.  

         

We walked through the gates and onto Main Street, where a parade was circling through the square.  Even though I have been to Disney dozens of times, I can still see magic on those streets.  Now that I  can see it through the eyes of my rainbow, it is even more amazing.  Piper's eyes lit up at the sight of the characters dancing to the parade music and the floats gliding through the street.  The parade was just ending as we neared, so we followed it up Main Street to the castle.  

      

      

From the castle, we hooked a left and headed over to Adventureland.  

       

   

 For whatever strange reason, my husband had never ridden Pirates of the Caribbean, and that issue needed to be rectified.  The standby line was only 30 minutes, and it went by pretty fast.   The line winds through cave-like rooms full of cannons, barrels of gunpowder, and various other pirate paraphernalia.  I am sure the people surrounding us during the wait were just delighted with the constant repetition of  Piper's excited "What's that?"   

As we approached the boat loading zone, we were asked how many in our party and directed to row 3.   My mom brain quickly connected that to how it was Kenley's third birthday and the very first ride we go on, we are in the third row.   I said something to Mike, and he laughed and shook it off.   Actually, this wasn't the last of Row 3.   For the rest of the day, any time we waited in line, we were directed to Row 3 to load.   Every ride.   I only got pictures of two of them because I either had already put the K away - or I had a kid in my hands - or there wasn't time - but trust me.   I know it's just a mathematical coincedence and it has more to do with numbers and crowd control than it does with my little girl - but it made me smile every time it happened.   

          

Piper was a little nervous at the beginning and didn't really care for the slight drop into darkness, but once we rounded the corner into the Caribbean, she was happy as a clam, and "What's that?" came back with a vengance.  This time the phrase was accompanied with cannon fire and "Oooh, noise!"

After Pirates, we headed over to use our first Fastpass of the day at Peter Pan's Flight.   I tried getting a picture of Piper holding the K, but she wasn't too excited about it.  She did enjoy screaming out "Moon!" at the top of her lungs as we flew over London though.  

        

      

         

By now, it was close to lunchtime, so we headed over to Cosmic Ray's Starlight Cafe in Tomorrowland.  Mike got in line and Piper and I headed down to Cosmic Ray's lounge where an animatronic alien, Sonny Eclipse, played 40's and 50's era style music.   While we waited, I tried again to get a picture of my girls together.    I could either get the K facing forward or Piper facing forward, but not both at the same time.   Oh well....I guess that's how it is with siblings anyway, right?

                         

As we were cleaning up from lunch Sonny Eclipse started singing a song called "Oh Bright Little Star", which definitely caught my ear.   I looked up the lyrics online and part of them go like this: 

Oh Bright Little Star, 

though I'm light years away from her now

I can't help but to feel that somewhow 

we're both wishing on you

I imagine your light in her eyes as she gazes up into the sky

At this moment does she realize

you are in my eyes too

 ...

Someday, somewhere I will find her

In a universe up above

Tell her, little star, I'll surround her

With all my love.

Now, obviously, these lyrics are a cheesy love song between make-believe aliens, but since it was My Little Star's birthday, I chose to apply them to her.  Finding connections in the smallest things can bring the biggest comfort, and I felt like letting that song comfort me.

Full of burgers and chicken nuggets, we headed over to The Journey of the Little Mermaid for our next Fastpass.  Disney has changed a lot since the hay-day of my college days, and while I do miss some of the things that used to be, I do not miss the old Fastpass ticket machines.   I would always get stuck behind someone who couldn't figure out how to put their card into the slot or who had seventeen of their closest friends' cards with them to scan at once.   The new system has you link your tickets on an app and select your fastpasses all at once.  Then, you just scan your own card or bracelett at the Fastpass line.   With a toddler in a Tula, it made our day so much easier!  

Piper loved the Little Mermaid.   She loves blowing bubbles, so the entire ride had her amazed with under the sea bubbles and dancing fish.   

         

         

By this time in our day, our spunky little rainbow was beginning to fade.   I strapped her back into the Tula for a nap and true to form, she fell quickly asleep.   Mike and I decided to take this opportunity to ride The Haunted Mansion.  

        

While in line, he noticed the couple in front of us speaking German, a language dear to his heart since spending a year there in his twenties.   He struck up a conversation with them, none of which I understood.   The lady carried this purse.   

                                  

Waiting in line while Mike chatted gave me the perfect opportunity to get another picture of my girls.   

      

                                   

 Piper woke up in the middle of the Haunted Mansion, but was pretty cool with everything.  I had carried her in the Tula the whole way and sat with her still attached in our Doom Buggy, so I think she felt safe to begin with.    Besides, the Haunted Mansion isn't really all that scary.  It's Disney World, after all.

From the mansion, we headed back through Fantasyland to hit up our final Fastpass for the day, The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh.   I am not a fan of the Hundred Acre Wood, but my youngest sure is.  A few months ago, we met some friends for a character breakfast at The Grand Floridian, and Piper could not get enough of Tigger.   Pooh bear was just alright - but Tigger was where it was at!   So, I knew she would love this ride, which she absolutely did.   Each time Tigger popped up, she pointed and said "Tigger!  Tigger right there!"  Oh yeah...and guess where we loaded onto the ride?  

                  

                                   

By now, it was around three o'clock and we figured we had at least two good hours left before we'd have to head home, so we ventured back into Tomorrowland for Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin.  

          

Again, the Standby line was only 30 minutes, which is excellent for this ride and time of day.  I popped Piper onto my lap, held her with my right hand and aimed my lazer with my left.   I am absolutely terrible at this ride and barely cracked 50,000 points.   My husband, however, had over 100,000 within the first five seconds and ended the game with over 600,000 as a Cosmic Commando.   I had full intention of getting the photo they take of you on the ride, but when we checked it out, Piper's face was totally covered by the ray-gun, kind of like how Mike Wazowski's face is always covered in the Monster's INC commercials.  It was actually pretty hilarious.

Right next to Buzz is an old classic - the Carousel of Progress.   

         

 
      Mike loves this ride.    Look how excited he is.  

                                        

Piper enjoyed the Carousel.  She was a little confused by the rotating room at first, but she liked the show.   This was our last ride.   We grabbed some dinner in Frontierland and headed back to the car.  Piper fell asleep before we got out of the parking lot.  We drove home exhausted and emotional.  

I had spent all month under a cloud of grief, all month dreading her birthday, all month wanting to crawl into a hole.  A day like this one was just what I needed.   Even though it's clearly not in the manner I'd like, I got to take both of my girls to the Happiest Place on Earth.   I got to spend a day with my Night Shift husband, which is also a rare treat. The darkness that smothered me like a blanket all month felt brighter and lighter.   

Kenley's birthday, which could have been another dark day in a month of grief, turned out to be a day of smiles and laughter.  A day where I felt connected to my star while parenting my rainbow.  I felt peaceful and happy.   Those days are rare, but they do exist.   

No matter how horrible grief is, I have to remember that in between the moments of pain and sadness, there are moments of joy.   I have to remember that I may have terrible days - I may have an impossibly long chain of terrible days - but life itself isn't terrible.   There will be a break in the darkness.   Sometimes, I will have to search for it.  Sometimes, it might take me a while to find it, but it will be there.  Waiting for me.  A bright spot where happiness hides.  

Like the Carousel says, 

"There's a great big beautiful tomorrow

Shining at the end of every day

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow

Just a dream away."

         

Happy Birthday, Kenley.   We love you.

 

   

     

Saturday Spotlight #15

Evidently, this photography project is not as easy as I thought.  It involves looking for images in unique locations, and I have not yet found all of my images.   So...another week without the last installment.   I'm working on it!

Meanwhile, yesterday's post got me thinking more about my honeymoon and how much fun it was.  So much fun, in fact, I wanted to share it with you.  So, I made a video on my Ipad with photos from our week in Kauai and I set it to the same song by Dave Matthews.  

Mike and I watched it together before I uploaded it and smiled.  That was a wonderful week.  A week full of newness and adventure.  A week when our lives were simple and carefree.  

Sometimes, we all need to take a moment to think about what makes us happy in this life.  We all need to take a moment to remember the good times we've had - because at the end of the day, that's really all there is.  Memories.   Here's one of mine.

Saturday Spotlight #13

This week's photography project was 100 Steps.   My assignment was to walk 100 steps from a starting point and take some pictures.  The point of this particular assignment is to get us out of the house at a time it may be difficult to do so.  Had I started this project in March, this would have been helpful.  When you are first fighting grief, the outside world is terrifying.  100 steps doesn't sound so bad.  It's doable.  While this summer has not been at all what I had planned or even wanted, it has taken me all across the country.    For my 100 Steps project, I picked a few starting points during my trip to Boston and I took pictures where I ended up.   (The journal assignment to accompany these photos was to write about what I am grateful for.  I decided to do that as a separate post.  It's entitled Gratitude and should be posted at the same time as this one.)

My sister is training to run her first marathon in October, so she was starstruck by the Boston Marathon course.  One of her goals for our time there was to walk up Heartbreak Hill.  So, we took the T to Boston College armed with our smartphones.  Using a clever mixture of Wikipedia, Google Maps, and some helpful locals, we were able to find the start of the hill, at mile marker 20 of the marathon's course - and three miles from our train stop.  I thought it fitting that my 100 steps begin at the bottom of a hill named after the moment someone's heart was broken.   I snapped a picture of Kenley's Boston K at the bottom of the hill and then began to walk as I counted to 100.

100 steps isn't really all that far.  It was just enough to get about four houses up the hill.   In the corner of the yard where we stopped, there was an old, gnarled tree stump.  It reminded me of the trees I pictured while writing this post.  The only difference is the trees in that post were looming over me and this one had been cut down to a stump.  A stump is a defeated tree.  To me, this stump meant more to me than just a tree that once was.  It was a symbol of my grief.  Cut down to size by all of my efforts to heal.   I used black and white for this picture for the obvious reasons of how sometimes the world seems gray and colorless, and no matter how hard I might work to chop this forest down, the stumps will always remain.  For the rest of my life, all of my victories will always be bittersweet.  

Across the sidewalk from the stump was a round traffic mirror attached to a tree.  There are so many different ways I could take this symbolism, but I have chosen to look at it like this: the mirror is a reflection of myself and how I have changed in this journey.   It reflects down to the bottom of Heartbreak Hill.   It shows me where I have been, the path I have taken to get here.  The reflection is distorted, like memories are distorted with grief and pain.   I can look in that mirror all I want.  I can focus in on where I have been and how much it hurts - or I can turn away and focus on the road ahead.  I choose to move forward.

I took a few other pictures at this location, but they weren't all that exciting.  I do, however, want to tell you about a few pictures I took several hundred steps later.  At the very top of Heartbreak Hill.  The trek down to the base from our train was rainy and gray.  The mugginess of the air rivaled Florida on it's worst days.  It was oppressive and heavy.  As we crossed the street to begin the 100 steps, the air started to clear a little bit.  The thick cloud cover began to break apart like a crumbling cookie, and a cool breeze managed to find its way through the sticky stillness.   Walking uphill somehow seemed easier than walking down in the first place.  The top of Heartbreak Hill is crowned by Boston College.  Obviously, I needed to get a picture of Kenley here, so I did.  

But, the remarkable part of this trek up the hill was the sky when I reached the top.   The clouds had parted.  The threatening storm dissipated.  The weight of air lightened.   At the top of the hill, directly above me, was this sky. 

A parting grief to make way for the sunlight of days to come.  I am not finished with this journey.  I have reluctantly realized I will never be.  Heartbreak Hill is here to stay.  So, I'll lace up my sneakers and pound that pavement. I will walk this path until the day I die.  The road may smooth a bit.  The clouds may drift away.  But, I will still be here.  Walking.  Fighting.  Living.  

Boston Bound

I am caught up in a whirlwind of traveling this summer.   Tomorrow, I am embarking on yet another trip.   Thanks to the generosity of my parents and my little sister, I am heading up to Boston for a few days.  Two things are exciting about this event.

First, I will get to spend some time with my sister in a great, big city.  We haven't had any time together since the week Kenley died, and that week was filled with shock and sadness.  Everyone was in pure survival mode.  It will be so good to see her when we are not so full of sorrow.  My sister and I have been close off and on for our entire lives.  Growing up, four years separated us, but it might as well have been a lifetime.  When you are sixteen, you don't know what to do with a twelve year old, except yell at her for wearing your clothes without permission.   When I went off to college, we finally both saw each other as human beings - and not as the World's Greatest Annoyer.  We became extremely close throughout both of our college years.  Then, she went to med school several states away, and distance and stress levels took a toll on our interactions, much to our regret.  We didn't have any sort of falling out - we just kind of lived our own lives for a while.  Looking back on those years, I really should have tried harder to keep her closer.   My marriage was a life event that brought us back together the way we should be.  When I got engaged, she was giddy and excited, and we planned and hashed out details together.  She flew down for the wedding and it was like old times again. We talk, we text, we joke, we conspire.   I will proudly tell you that she is my best friend.  
When Kenley died, my sister was devastated.  She still is.  It's hard to realize that my grief is not my own.  Other people share it with me.  During that week of horror, she was right by my side.  She worked with my friends and my parents to make necessary arrangements.  She got the tree memorial organized.  She was on fire.  I was humbled and honored to see her do so much for me.   She really is the very best sister anyone could ever ask for, and I am so glad that she is mine.   I am looking forward to spending time with her when we aren't both so clouded with grief.

The second reason I am excited to go to Boston is that I will get to see one of my good friends - Hunter's mom, Kelly.   I met Kelly through a mutual friend who put us in contact with each other after I lost Kenley.   Kelly quickly became the person whom I could vent to - and who would completely understand.  Our bond of loss quickly became a bond of actual friendship.  When I told Kelly about my trip to Boston, we arranged to have lunch on Sunday.  I said to her that I feel like I am meeting up with an old friend - while at the same time going on a first date, and she agreed.  I am excited to meet her in person - and to give her something special I have been hanging on to for a while.  (Surprise, Kelly!)     I know it comforts both of us to think of how Kenley and Hunter's little brothers or sisters will play together one day.

So, I am off to Boston.  I'll be back Wednesday, and I have posts scheduled through then.  I wish everyone a great weekend.  

Saturday Spotlight #10

Once again, my past self is writing on behalf of my future self.  Most likely, right now, I have just wrapped up a week in New Orleans and am driving to Pensacola as you read this.   Our plan is to visit family friends tonight and then visit the Navy Museum in Pensacola on Sunday.  Hopefully, Sunday - Father's Day - won't be as emotional for me as Mother's Day.   We shall see.  After the museum, we are stopping in Panama City to see Mike's dad and his family.  We will probably continue on home Monday or Tuesday.   We are playing this part of our trip by ear.  

Anyway, I am sure I had a fabulous time in New Orleans.   I love the rich history of the city.  We booked a jazz cruise on a steam boat and a ghost tour.   I added to the Flickr set for Kenley's Travels here.  

UPDATE:  While in Seattle, I felt like I didn't quite belong.   It was beautiful, but things felt "off".  Maybe it was the chill in JUNE, or the excessive amounts of daylight, but as soon as I stepped out of the Orlando airport into the warm, muggy night, I realized what I had been missing.  Humidity.    Say what you will about hating the heat and humidity of the south, but it's all I know.   And to me, it's a piece of home.   The heaviness of it is a comfort to me.   I've struggled with this identity for quite a long time, but, friends...I have finally come to accept the truth.  I don't say "ya'll" and I don't wear camo, but I am a Southerner, through and through.  

Saturday Spotlight #9

So, I am flying back from Seattle today, where Mike will meet me at the airport for the second leg of my travels.   Crescent City, here we come!

I am writing this a week ago - so I am assuming that I have had a wonderful time with my friend Tracey.   It's possible I have taken lots of fun pictures on my trip, which I may have posted here.  

UPDATE:

I have been trying to upload my photos to my blog directly from my ipad, but apparently, technology hates me.   So, instead, I have created a flickr set of photos from the trip.   Check them out here.   These are just iphone pics.  Once I get home and unload the camera card, I'll post more.  Enjoy!

I was not expecting the enormous amount of daylight here in Seattle.  Besides the fact that it was sunny and beautiful the entire time I was here, (while my home state was pelted with a tropical storm) the sun doesn't set until about 10:30.   And it rises around 4:45.   That's AM, people!    When your body feels like 10:30 pm is really 6:30 and 4:45 am is really 7:45, it really messes you up!   I did not sleep much at all in Washington.    That's okay though, it left me with more time to do fun things.   Like go to Pike's Place Market and Pioneer Square.   

I took my K with me everywhere.  It was nice to have Kenley on my trip with me.