Firework

So, I'm driving along this morning, minding my own business while thinking of all of the end of the year wrap ups I have to get done this week, when Katy Perry's song Firework comes on the radio. As a result, the rest of my ride to work is spent trying to see the road through my tears. That's what life is like for me - randomly crying because of some strange and unexpected trigger. I can go days, weeks even, without crying over her. I'm to that place now where I've found a semi-comfortable place to nestle her that doesn't poke or pinch too badly. The sharp ends are tucked under and wrapped in padding...still there but not constantly hurting. But, sometimes, completely out of the blue, something knocks her out of her safe little nook, and all of the shards go clanging around, swinging every which way, slicing me to ribbons again.

Why Firework? When I went back to work the following school year after Kenley died, we had a training on something I really can't remember, but for some reason, we went through the words for this song in small groups and then were supposed to discuss any connections we made to them. We listened to the song whole group first. And as I listened, my eyes welled, my heart raced, and I felt the familiar rise of sorrow as it bubbled from the pit of my stomach and spread across my chest and into my throat. "Keep it together", I thought. "Don't lose it in front of everyone. Be stronger than this." I don't know if anyone was watching me. Probably not. But if they had been, they would have seen the struggle. The deep breaths. The blinking eyes. The clenching and unclenching of hands. It's a weird little dance we do. It's like being inside a tent about to be blown away by a hurricane, and all you can do is pull in all of the ropes at once to hold it all together. I made it through the whole group listening, but when we broke into smaller groups and people started to discuss, I lost it.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep six feet under?
Screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you?

I mean, come on? How could I not identify with those lyrics after losing my daughter? I felt useless and without purpose. I felt like a failure. I was a mother in heart but not in life and I had no idea what I was supposed to do with myself anymore. Six months out from her death, I was still so raw and open and hurting. My wound was still oozing. My bones were still healing. I was young in grief and I was still figuring out how to walk through life with this pain that I realized would never really go away.

You don't have to feel like a wasted space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow.

I felt like nothing. I felt exactly like wasted space. Like nothing I did would matter because I had failed at keeping my child alive, so what good was I? And I wanted a rainbow with every fibre of my being. I couldn't even fathom what life would be like for me if I couldn't have more children. I ached to hold a baby. I ached for the child I lost and for the child I didn't know would be coming soon. It was hard for me to believe that a Rainbow would be in my future. I honestly couldn't imagine being happy again.

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause, baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, "Aah, aah, aah"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go, "Aah, aah, aah"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough
'Cause, baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, "Aah, aah, aah"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go, "Aah, aah, aah"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

So, yeah. Basically, I needed to show the world that I was more than sorrow. I had light and brightness still inside me, it was just buried in sadness. I needed to push through the darkness to find my light again. It seemed like a daunting task, but something that I knew needed to be done, and I didn't really know where to start.

Since then, I cannot listen to Firework without thinking about how I felt that day. I cannot hear those words without remembering how deep in grief I was, how much I hurt, and how lost in life I felt. You'd think I would hate this song, but I don't. I actually love it. I love it because it validated how I was feeling and made me realize that how I felt was normal and okay. It gave me hope that life might not always be so hard and painful. It gave me a reason to love my past while being hopeful for my future. A Katy Perry song did that. Who knew?

This song is a trigger for me for sure, and I know it. I will always tear up when I hear it, and I certainly wasn't expecting to hear it on the way to work, starting my morning with a good, solid cry. But, honestly, that's just the way life is now. The New Normal includes crying at unexpected times, sometimes in public.

I have worked very hard to get to the point where I don't hurt all the time. I think of her often. I miss her daily. But, my pain is not as sharp and not as loud as it once was.

Grief takes maintenance.

We all have wounds we care for. Wounds never fully heal and that repoen at unexpected times. Wounds that we have to learn how to redress when the bandage is suddenly ripped away. Some are more severe than others, but we all hurt. We are all triggered, whether it's a song, a smell, a place, or just a tone of voice. When we are taken by surprise, we just have to remember that we hurt because we love. So, we keep loving, we keep hurting, and we keep healing the best we can. It's all we can do.