Why a blog?

As you know, I use my writing as a way to heal.  I have written as a way of self-healing and preservation for as long as I can remember.  When my life turned upside down a few weeks ago, I knew I needed to write.  The first few days of this storm were so chaotic, I was just holding on for dear life.   Almost the entire first week is a blur of anguish and impossible decisions.  Once the initial whirlwind calmed, I knew I needed to put pen to paper in order to sort some things out.   At first, I thought I'd get myself a really nice journal and a brand new pen.  But then I remembered that when I wrote my goodbye to Kenley in the journal I kept for her, my hand could not keep up with my words.  I have far too much to organize inside this muddled brain to shackle it to a pen.   Typing is faster and easier and I can get more sorted.   At first, I thought starting a blog was based on a need for efficiency.  Then, when I started to analyze my intentions a little more, I realized my blog does not stem entirely from a need to be fast with my thoughts.  After all, I could just type on my computer and save my entries in files.  Why make them public?  Why share my innermost thoughts with the world?   I didn't know then.  I just did it.   I felt a need to do it and so I did.  Now, I know why.

When you become a parent, all the best parts of you are now merged into one beautiful being, and you want nothing more than to share this fantastic creation with the world.  You want to shout it from the rooftops.  "Look!  Look at what I have done!   Look at this wonderful human being I have created!"  Kind of like this internet meme: 

You want everyone to know the wonders of your child.  You do this when you create a Facebook post telling your friends about your 2nd grader's report card.  Or, when you hang your child's fingerpainting on your refrigerator.  Or, when you send out graduation announcements.  You have a lifetime of achievements to celebrate with the world - and you do.

This blog is a chronicle of my journey through this storm.   It is me allowing myself to be vulnerable to you in order for me to not only process what is happening - but to make known how proud of Kenley I am, how much I love her, how wonderful she was.  It is my way of making sure that other people know about her, of making sure that she is remembered by someone other than me.   She may no longer be here, but she is still important.   She will never make me a picture for my refrigerator.  She will never earn honor roll.   I will never be able to post pictures of her when she loses her first tooth.  But I can do this.   I can write about her.   I can remember her.   I can tell the world about her.   That's why it had to be a blog and not just ramblings on my hard drive.   I needed you to know what I know.  I needed you to see me as a mother and Kenley as my daughter.   

I have added a new feature to the blog.  I got this idea from a fellow mother of loss and her amazing blog.  At the top of the page, you'll see a tab for "Kenley Around the World".    Please check it out when you get a chance! 

This is my rooftop.