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Monday, January 30, 2017

Run Kenley Run Playlist #5: Perfect

It's never been a secret that I have struggled with self-image long before loss.   This song speaks to that struggle- and to the rebuilding of self both before and after.

In this song, P!nk is talking to someone who is also struggling with feeling confident.  She tells them that even though they feel like they are worthless, she sees much more in them.  To her, they are perfect.

Before Kenley died, I had finally gotten to the point in my life where I was feeling good about who I was, what I looked like, and my place in the world.   My fight with self-esteem had reached a point where I was the victor - and I had my demons tied up in the corner.    But, Kenley's death changed all that.  It not only released the demons I had gotten under control, but it created new ones - and together, they beat me to a bloody pulp over and over and over again.  I not only once again hated who I was, but I didn't trust myself either.  I had lost all faith in my ability to do anything because I had failed at the most basic of biological tasks.   

It took me years to regain my footing and to muster up enough strength to start fighting those demons again.   Really, this entire Half Marathon Journey is because of my need to beat them.  Last February was the turning point from "I have to fight" to "I have to win."   Because fighting isn't enough when you're fighting a losing battle.  There has to come a moment when you finally deem yourself worthy of winning.

This journey has taught me a lot about myself - both who I was and who I have become.   This past Saturday, I took a trial run in part of my race costume.   I ran through my neighborhood wearing a lime-green tutu.  I definitely got some odd looks from people, but it didn't phase me like it once would have.  There were moments when I actually laughed at myself - chuckling at my own absurdity.  I didn't care what other people thought of me because I knew my reasons for doing what I was doing were valid and wonderful.     

This song is me talking to myself.  It's the healing Me talking to my broken pieces - to the parts of me who still don't feel deserving of happiness or wholeness.  It's Me learning to love all of myself again - even the pieces that are still so sharp and jagged.  It's me telling myself, "Hey...I know you're hurting.  I know you feel like a failure, but you're not.  You're amazing.  You're a warrior.  After all you've been through, you're fu#%ing perfect."









Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated
Misplaced
Misunderstood
Miss no way it's all good
It didn't slow me down.

Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Less than perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
Less than perfect

You're so mean
When you talk
About yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head

Make them like you instead
So complicated
Look how we all make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
meaning


It's enough
I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same

Oh

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me

The whole worlds scared
So I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking
Is an ice cold beer

So cool in line
And we try, try, try
But we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time

Done looking for the critics
Cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans
They don't get my hair

Exchange ourselves
And we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?

Why do I do that?

Yeeeeaaaahhh
Oooooooh
Oh baby pretty please

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me

You're perfect, you're perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me




Thursday, January 19, 2017

Run Kenley Run Playlist #4: Home

My sister listened to this song on the airplane when she flew down to be with me after Kenley died.   She tells me she "ugly cried".    Now, whenever I listen to it, I think of her, alone on an airplane, sobbing as she flies down, only to miss holding Kenley by just a few hours.

This song makes me think of my support system, the people who swooped in when I needed them, who gave me safe harbor in the storm, and who didn't abandon me when my grief didn't go away.    

So many people walked away from me.   Some couldn't handle the initial blast and disappeared right away.   Others couldn't handle the fallout and have drifted away over the years.   And, at first, that really bothered me.  It hurt.   Sometimes, it still does.  But, honestly, I am at the point where I am beyond forcing people to be a part of my life.   It's not worth it.   You're either in or you're out - make up your mind because I have things to do and my life will carry on with or without you.

But, for every person who left, there is one who stayed, one who came back, and one who came in. So, even though my circles are vastly different from what they were on February 24, 2013, they are truer and tighter.  The relationships I cultivate now are deeper and more meaningful.  I appreciate them more.   

Loss changes everything.  From who you are to who you love to who loves you.  Years are often spent losing one relationship after another.  But, we come to cherish the ones who stay.  We create a warm little nest full of the people who make us happy - who understand us (or at least try their best to).  It takes a long, long while, but, eventually, we make it Home.





Hold on to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave, wave is stringing us along

Just know you're not alone
'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble—it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home


Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Run Kenley Run Playlist #3: Fight Song

This song was released in February 2015, two years after Kenley died.   It came out at a time when I had finally shaken off the fog of the early days, had struggled past simple daily survival, and was ready to actually start LIVING again.  But living is harder than it looks.   Living involves more than just getting through the day.  It involves planning ahead and trusting those plans will come true.  It involves enjoying as many moments as you can as they are happening without being constantly distracted by grief.   Living means letting go of pain so you can hold on to something else.

At that time in my life, this song made be believe I could make my way into calmer waters - that I could finally - finally - start being a person again.

2015 was also the year I posted "A Letter to My Doctor" and Kenley's reach started to go global.   The tiny stone I dropped into my own internet pond created ripples across the loss community bigger than I could ever have thought possible, and I am grateful every day to have the opportunity to be heard and to educate.

This song makes me feel powerful.   Even though I am just one person, I can make a difference.   I can make changes in my community and my life with my words and my actions.   I can overcome the constant pull of grief and live a life that has purpose again, even if that purpose is something I'd never imagined it would be.  I can take back my life - my body - my joy.   

"I am not what happened to me.  I am what I choose to become" -Carl Jung

I choose to become myself again.   This is never going to be an easy road.  I'm going to have to work hard and fight to keep myself on track.   That's just the way it is.   But, it's okay.    I've still got a lot of fight left in me. 



Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song (Hey!)
Take back my life song (Hey!)
Prove I'm alright song (Hey!)
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong (I'll be strong)
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

No I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Friday, January 13, 2017

The Dragon

I can feel the rumbling.  Deep and guttural.  The Dragon is stirring.  He is shifting in the darkness, stretching his claws.  I have quite literally tried to outrun him, but I know he will catch up to me.  This whole time I have been running, I have known this.  I have felt his hot breath on my neck.  My old scars have ached with remembering.   And the truth is, I can't escape this.  

I feel weak and powerless.  I feel like no matter how hard I try, February will still devour me.  Chew me up and spit me out - again.  

And the anticipation of what's to come makes me want to hide beneath my blankets until March.

The reliving has begun.  The happy memories of pregnancy are tainted with what I know what is to come.   The jokes I made about heartburn.  My attempt at painting my own toenails.  My baby shower.  My maternity photo session.   All counting down to my own personal D-Day.   It all feels so pointless.    Not all the time - just these memories - just these months.   Everything good that happened from now until February 25th feels like blood money.   I paid the ultimate price for those memories and I don't know if they will never not be tainted.  

Today, I am tired.   I am wondering if I will be successful in my attempts to fight the Dragon that I know is coming for me.   I've been polishing my armor and sharpening my sword.  I've been keeping my eyes on the prize, visualizing my victory.   But, as I begin to hear him start to wake, I am terrified it won't be enough.  Already, my armor feels impossibly heavy - my sword awkward and unwieldy.  These last few months have been nothing but preparing for right now, and I am scared he will still overtake me.   Actually, I know he will.  

He will rise from his cave and swoop over me like a thunderstorm.   He will sink his claws into my back, his jaws into my neck.  He will rip into me as I run.   

These next six weeks will be the hardest six weeks of this journey because I have to continue to work just as hard as I have been, but I will have to do it while being shredded by the Dragon.  I will have to drag myself, limping and bleeding, through the rest of my training and across that finish line.  

Tomorrow, I run eleven miles.  And as I run, I will turn my music up to drown out his growls.  He's coming for me, but I won't go down without a fight.  





Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Run Kenley Run Playlist #2: Compass

I am not the biggest fan of country music.  The Dixie Chicks and Lady Antebellum are pretty much the only two country bands I listen to - and a little bit of old school Garth Brooks once in a while because, hey, who doesn't have friends in low places?  

I found "Compass" while searching for songs to add to my running playlist and it made me cry.   Honestly, a lot of songs do because this is a pretty emotional journey I am purposefully taking, but this one, despite its peppy beat, simply wrecks me everytime.  As my runs increase, and I am out there for a few hours focusing on both my body and why I am making my body do this, it's physically impossible not to cry, especially when this song comes on.   

The road of grief is winding and often very, very dark, and it's easy to get hopelessly lost.   This song talks about your heart being your compass, and following it wherever it may go.  I feel like that is how I have approached this journey from day one - doing whatever my heart needed me to do.  Sometimes, my heart needed me to write.  Sometimes, it needed me to speak out.  Sometimes, it needed me to volunteer.   Now, it needs me to run.   So, I have done all of these things as demanded by my heart, and I truly feel that letting it guide me has been a key part in my healing.   All of these things have helped light the way and have helped me understand the road - and myself - a little better.

No one knows what they are doing when it comes to this journey - whether in grief or just in life -  so we all just find our way the best we can.   


                                       


"Compass" by, Lady Antebellum

Alright
Yeah it's been a bumpy road
Roller coasters
High and low
Fill the tank and drive the car
Pedal fast, pedal hard
You won't have to go that far

You wanna give up 'cause it's dark
We're really not that far apart
So let your heart, sweet heart
Be your compass when you're lost
And you should follow it wherever it may go
When it's all said and done
You can walk instead of run
'Cause no matter what you'll never be alone (never be alone) oh oh oh
Never be alone oh oh oh

Forgot directions on your way
Don't close your eyes don't be afraid
We might be crazy late at night I can't wait til you arrive
Follow stars you'll be alright

You wanna give up 'cause it's dark
We're really not that far apart
So let your heart, sweet heart
Be your compass when you're lost
And you should follow it wherever it may go
When it's all said and done
You can walk instead of run
'Cause no matter what you'll never be alone (never be alone) oh oh oh
Never be alone oh oh oh
You wanna give up 'cause it's dark
We're really not that far apart
So let your heart, sweet heart
Be your compass when you're lost
And you should follow it wherever it may go
When it's all said and done
You can walk instead of run
'Cause no matter what you'll never be alone (never be alone) oh oh oh
Never be alone oh oh oh

When it's all said and done
You can walk instead of run
'Cause no matter what you'll never be alone